10 Things I Wish Other Parents Knew About Autism

The last few days of Autism Awareness / Acceptance Month are dwindling down and my mind has been churning this post ever since I read 10 Things I Wish Your Kids Knew About Autism on Babble at the beginning of April.  More often that not, it isn't the children that have trouble accepting my Autism, it's their parents.  Specifically, they have trouble accepting us and the way that we raise our child.  What I wish there was more of is an understanding of how Autism has changed our life; how it has made us different.  There is a lot of judgement about what I'm doing/not doing/could be doing to make things easier/better/make Autism disappear.  I know that there is a lot of controversy, even within the families affected, about these topics.  So based solely on our experience, here is my list:

1.  I was a great parent before I had kids.
I used to see moms out with their kids and I swore that I would never do what they were doing or MY kid wouldn't be like that.  Being a new parent really opens your eyes to how cocky and judgmental you were of others.  But I feel like parents of neurotypical (NT) kids still hold on to that attitude when they see another parent struggling.  Maybe it helps them feel better about themselves.  But I promise you, I was right where you were before I ended up in another world. 

2.  Having a kid with Autism IS like living in another world. 
We heard a great analogy from one of M's first teachers that helped us navigate her diagnosis.  As expecting parents, you plan extensively for the way you will raise your child and what you will do with them, traditions you will carry on, etc.  Planning a trip to another country takes a lot of forethought and care because you need to be know what to do when you get there, where to go, and how to speak the language.  Imagine you have spent 9 months planning your trip.  The day you get on the plane you are so excited you can hardly stand it.  Eiffel Tower, crepes, The Louvre - you are pumped.  Except that when you get off the plane, you realize you are in Holland.  Holland is amazing and beautiful but you have no idea where you are, you don't know the language, and there isn't a map in sight.  You feel alone.  We thought we knew what to expect because we were planning on having a NT child.  All of my years of babysitting and being a camp counselor did not prepare me for raising a child with Asperger's.

3. Don't try to one-up me when it comes to meltdowns.
I used to try and explain what I was dealing with to other parents with NT kids. But I got frustrated hearing how their kids threw fits too, so they got it.  Try multiplying your kid's tantrum by 100.  Yes, all kids have meltdowns, but kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder have meltdowns that are much more intense.  Everything is magnified.  Sensory stimulation is overwhelming.  And sometimes I don't even know what's causing it.  And they aren't doing it to get a reaction, or because they aren't disciplined by their parents.  My daughter describes it as a physical pain that she can't get away from.  Because of her bluntness, she is always honest about why she does something on purpose, like disobeying.  But there is never an explanation for a meltdown.  It just exists.

4.  I DO discipline my kid.
I know from your view it looks like I give her everything that she wants based on the way that she is screaming and acting 2 or 3 years younger than her age.  I can't always control what sets her off.  I do my best to limit overstimulation or keep her routine the same, but it is NOT from lack of limits or consequences.  She has consequences all the time.  Her impulse control is limited, however, so she doesn't always remember what they are when the noise in the room is so loud that her skin is crawling.  And I can't punish her for screaming when that is what makes her body feel better and that is her way of self-soothing in the moment.

5.  Every child with Autism is different.
That means what helps each of them will also be different.  A change in diet will not help every child.  This comment will probably bother a lot of parents with kids on the spectrum.  I have a lot of friends whose ASD kids are gluten-free, dairy-free, casein-free, sugar-free, etc.  It works for them.  It might work for us.  Right now I am too overwhelmed to go there.  I am doing what I can, when I can.  I read a study once in the Journal of the American Medical Association about a dad who secretly reintroduced gluten into his child's diet for 2 straight weeks and there was no change.  But I also have a friend whose daughter began to talk more after removing all the things above from her diet and there are many more stories like hers.  I'm not a physician.  I'm a mom who is just trying to survive with little support from outside sources.  Maybe we'll go there someday too.  Right now I'm just going with what is working so far and when I feel like I can come up for air, I'll reach out to someone who can show me the way.  And just like normal parenting, if there was one book or one way that worked for all kids, that author would be filthy rich.  But there isn't.  Damn, I wish there were.  For all of us.

6.  We are exhausted most of the time. 
I used to be fun.  I used to have energy.  My husband and I just got back today from almost 48-hours away from our kids.  It was only the second time in 8 years. The last time was 5 years ago for my birthday and we fought the whole time because we were under so much stress, so not really a restful break.  It's hard to find people who you can trust that will be able to handle the meltdowns and the constant need for interaction like our daughter has.  And we have to find someone that she is comfortable with too because change and the unfamiliar are very hard for her to deal with.  We had a great time this weekend.  We had time to rest.  But we've only been back a few hours and I'm already super-stressed out again.  I know you are thinking that you understand, but no.  You really can't.

7.  We need to escape once in awhile.
For me, work is my daily escape.  I know that some people think we need to spend 100% of our day devoted to finding a cure or planning new strategies for how to control behaviors.  Let me tell you, I did that for 3 straight years and I nearly lost my mind.  Going back to work was my saving grace.  Work is still hard some days, but it's a chance to get away from what we deal with day in and day out at home.  I am happier, so my home is  happier.  Yes, I miss school activities and picking them up right after school.  But for us, this set-up works much better than the alternative.  We've been there.  Done that.  It wasn't right for our family.  If you're ever wondered how you can help a family affected by Autism, offer to have their kid over for an hour to play.  Even half an hour.  Time to breathe is priceless. 

8.  Life with Autism is lonely.
The only thing better to having our kids over to play is having us over to hang out.  We feel like we don't belong most of the time.  There aren't a lot of parents that we can relate to. But that doesn't mean that we don't want you to try.  I had to make choices very early on about who I would hang out with that didn't make me feel bad and didn't treat me like I was doing everything wrong.  I miss those friends.  I see them on Facebook and we send Christmas cards back and forth.  But our kids don't play together like I thought they would.  Like we said they would when we were dreaming up our families in our heads.  There is loss and grief involved in living with Autism that lasts longer than right after the initial diagnosis.    

9.  High-functioning doesn't mean that it's easier.
High-functioning just means that my daughter is able to perform well academically and might have a better chance of  holding a job and living on her own someday.  She is well groomed because I help her with that.  She is verbal.  Her stims aren't as obvious.  But a change in schedule will throw off her whole day and her meltdowns and reactions can be just as severe as someone who is considered low-functioning.  It's just more surprising when you see her rocking on the ground crying because 5-minutes earlier she was in her reading group that's a few grade levels above where she should be.  The contrast is painful, I know.  Her social age is greatly behind her academic age.  Two weeks ago after one of the worst meltdowns she's had at school yet, I ran into another mom and actually admitted to her that I sometimes wished that my daughter had more classic autism symptoms, like her non-verbal son, so that people would stare less or maybe just understand more while they are staring.  A pretty low point for me but thankfully this mom got where I was coming from.  She knows the truth.  See #9.

10.  We wouldn't change our daughter if we could.
Yes, there are things that we would give up in a heartbeat.  The meltdowns, not being able to get through to her when she's experiencing an episode of sensory overload, or the disconnect of emotion when emotion is definitely needed.  But some of the most amazing things about her are because of her Autism.  We are in awe of the way she sees the world and how her mind processes things.  She is loving and affectionate.  Her artistic ability is impressive. She loves intensely.  She is brutally honest about the way she feels so when she says she loves us it's one of the greatest feelings in the world to her father and I.  We have faith that she will do something great with her life.  Her heart is so big, I don't see how she can't.  In what role or capacity, we have no idea.  But we will be proud of her, no matter what.

Camping, Take 2

The last time we went camping, we had brought the pack n' play for our 1 year-old thinking it would help her sleep, yet she still cried all night long.  Momma was not lovin' it.  It was just another thing that I loved before children and then hated with a passion after.  But because I value my husband and his Eagle Scout desires I acquiesced to going again this June, 4 years later.  We only survived one night the last time around because I didn't want to see what the other campground tenants would do to us if JJ had a repeat performance the following evening we were scheduled to stay.  When Jeff suggested we stay 3 days this time, I thought he was nuts but I obliged.  I was super stressed out the week leading up to our glamorous Summer 2012 vacation (sadly, no Disneyworld this year).  M helped plan all the meals and I did all the grocery shopping.  Jeff was responsible for all the gear. 

We arrived at the campsite and Jeff & the girls pitched the tent. 

By the time they were finished, it was dark outside.  The meal plan called for soup, so I was making dinner.  Next year I'll make sure and double check all the gear and supplies before we leave because it is not fun making soup on a camp stove with no large spoon or ladle and only a plastic utensil.  But the dry soup that M was SO excited about when she first saw it at the Alpine Shop turned out to be pretty decent.  While we were eating, we had our first two encounters with nature (of 15 that we counted on the way home).  First, a skunk walked only a mere few feet away from our table and a raccoon was close behind.  If we had gotten sprayed, I would have jumped in the river and then proceeded to pack everything up.  We saw him again the next day and thankfully he spared us again.  JJ lasted the whole night with no tears.  There was a baby at the next campsite and we thought that it was going to be an evening of bad karma but she only cried for about 30 minutes. 

The next morning, the girls were up early and ready to go wading in the river.  I made breakfast - one of my favorite things about camping is the cooking - and was again thankful for a propane camp stove.  But after eyeing all the other campsites, I think we need to upgrade some of our gear for the next trip. 

We had only been in the river for a few minutes when J spotted an "eel".  I don't remember there being any water moccasins in The Little Mermaid, but I see where she could have gotten confused.  Jeff picked up a rock and killed the snake giving the girls raw exposure to the perils of the wild.  It turned out to be a harmless water snake, but I guess he didn't want to take any chances.  Later, we saw a sign that frowned upon killing snakes in the state park but he was just protecting his offspring.  And he HATES snakes.  It belongs right up there with things Jeff hates the most in this world, next to Indigo Girls music and Facebook.  Speaking of Indigo Girls, I would have loved to go their concert this past week, but it would have been a no-win situation for me.  Some crazy girl gave Jeff a CD once that was chock-full of I.G. songs - not knowing that he couldn't stand them - and it just made him hate them more.  And knowing that kind of ruins it for me, even though I loved listening to them in my angst-filled high school days and on road trips in college.  Convincing him to shell out the cash and let me drive to Columbia for the night would have been a hard sell.  I'm still holding out hope for the Jason Mraz concert in September, because he likes his music and it's in St. Louis.  :)  But I digress.

Playing in the water with my girls was all kinds of fun.  We looked for friendship rocks (rocks with holes all the way through that you string on leather necklaces and give to friends.  Anyone who went to Kanakuk knows what I'm talking about), skipped rocks and caught frogs.  JJ accidentally killed "Kermie" M's new best friend of an entire 10 minutes.  She cried for at least 3 times that long when we let him go and then JJ squeezed the life out of him giving him one last "hug".  At least neither of them saw him float away so they think he'll be there when we come back next year.  There was a great swimming area that we went to the next day and they caught crawdad "families".  Parting with them was also sweet sorrow because M grew so attached.  The girl loves her nature. 

I remember hunting for crawdads in the creek when I was growing up so it was great to see my girls enjoying something that I did as a kid.  It was surprising that my girly-girl JJ had no fear and was keeping up with M like a champ.  I'm thankful that she's not afraid to get dirty because she's usually our little diva.

The rest of the time the girls rode bikes, rescued a baby bird that fell from a tree (that also later died but they think the momma bird saved him), and visited the nature center.  On the way home, we asked JJ what she liked best about camping and she said "everything".  I'm glad that we made the trip and I'm already looking forward to next year.  Jeff did a great job planning it and picked a perfect spot, Sam A. Baker State Park.  The scenery was peaceful and the river was a hit.  And to those judging me for letting my girls wear skimpy swimsuits because I know you're out there:  I'm usually opposed to my girls wearing two-pieces, but that's all I could find at Goodwill and I just hoped that there were no perverts around. 

I'm also glad we went the second weekend in June and not now because we're experiencing record heat in the Midwest.  Jeff ultimately lived up to his rank and suggested the earlier date because he knew it was going to be a lot hotter later in the Summer.  It's true - I married him because he was a Senior Patrol Leader.  And in Order of the Arrow.  Whatever that means in Boy Scouts.  He also planned a baseball game for that Sunday making for the Ultimate Family Weekend.  Our seats were ridiculously high, but we never stay in our seats that long when we're with the ladies.  After the game, the girls were able to run the bases which was pretty cool to watch.  I only wish that the Cards had won the game. 

This little girl was exhausted:

But that didn't stop her from wanting to play at Citygarden on the way back to the car.  We had never been before and they absolutely loved it.  I wasn't prepared so we didn't have a change of dry clothes in the car, but since I'm a semi-decent mom I DID have two pairs of their clean underwear stashed in the glove compartment so we dried them off as best we could.  I honestly think they had more fun than they would have with swimsuits on.  There's something awesome about getting soaking wet with clothes on when you're a kid.  Or even as an adult.  I played in the rain one day with some of my best friends in college and it's one of my happiest memories.

They also have sculptures at Citygarden which the art history minor in me just loves. 

M was mesmerized by this piece of artwork:

I think it's safe to say that they had a pretty incredible weekend.  At least I have proof for that day when they tell me that they never did anything fun when they were little. 

And for those few people who actually read this blog and keep checking to see when in the world I will ever blog again, you have my friend Tara to thank for this post because she reminded me today that there are in fact those few. 

 

Let me pencil you in

For my friends who have been at the mercy of my spontaneous tears for the last week, I did you a favor today:  I scheduled time to cry.  I had to enlist the aid of a catalyst: the movie The Descendants.  Now, Jeff might be upset when he reads this because he might have wanted me to wait to watch it with him, but I knew this was one I needed to watch alone.  And I knew I needed to cry. Recently, I've found myself crying in church with no end in sight, wiping snot on my sleeves for lack of Kleenex.  I went to Bible study last night and just the sight of my good friends brought it up again.  I'm usually good at holding it in - I've done it for years.  I've pent up lots of tears over things that I'm really sad about. And instead I've been angry.  I've made jokes at my expense to hide what's really underneath.  I've been abusive towards myself in the form of lack of care.  I've avoided deep moments with those that I love because it just hurts too much to feel.  I've also been cussing a lot lately because I need release.  Judge me if you will, but lately those words are the only ones fitting. 

I cried most of the movie.  And afterwards.  I related with many characters: the hurt spouse who feels inadequate to raise his children alone, the daughter who feels neglected so she acts out, the scorned wife at the end yelling at George Clooney's wife that she forgives her - through gritted teeth.  Actually, I indentified with most of the characters.  Even the comatose wife, who at the end I wept for too, despite being disgusted with her for most of the movie.  She was hurt too, her heart broken and disappointed and let down by those she misplaced her trust in.  This movie was the perfect storm for an onslaught of weeping that has now resulted in what Jeff calls my "golf ball eyes".  I wasn't kidding when I say I blocked out my afternoon to bawl.  It was calculated and definitely efficient.  Unfortunately, I think I need a week of Cry Time.  And lots more emotion-provoking movies to get it out of me.  I've been saving it up for oh so long. 

Blogging, redirected.

I was going to write a post on deep thoughts provoked by Jen Hatmaker's posts on Easter, but that was before I stepped in dog crap this morning.  Now those thoughts are gone and replaced by negative thoughts and feelings.  I have yet to go outside and spray said dog crap off my cute deck shoes because I need to work up the desire to meet with fecal matter once again today.  The frustrating points of stepping in dog crap today were:
1. We don't own a dog and neither do our neighbors so where the hell did the dog crap come from?
2. I ran all the way to school behind M's bike and didn't notice I had stepped in dog crap.
3. I ran all the way home and got in the van to go to the chiropractor and didn't notice I had stepped in dog crap.
4. I laid down on the adjustment table and didn't notice I had stepped in dog crap.
5. I smeared dog crap all over my other shoe, my jeans, the adjustment table and STILL didn't notice that I had stepped in dog crap until Dr. Bob came in and let me know that there was DOG CRAP all over the place. 

So I walked out of Dr. Bob's barefoot like a cast member of an Appalachian Emergency Room skit on SNL and headed back home. 

*If you look closely, you can see a pretty unique-looking squashed caterpillar on the bottom of my crap-filled shoe.  I'm sure this is God's humorous way of reminding me that there is beauty amidst the mess.

Bennett's Brigade

I know that I get frustrated sometimes by the struggles I endure with my girls, but this video by my friend Breck puts it all in perspective.  We may be fighting to put shoes on in the morning (Miss M) or to wear pants (JJ), but we are not fighting for their lives.  Breck is my KD pledge daughter and I am very proud to be able to call her my sister.  I know that sounds mixed up, but anyone who was Greek in college knows what I'm talking about.  Please watch the video and be support Breck and her family through prayer or other means if you feel led to do so.  Or just a post of encouragement I'm sure would do wonders. 

"So tell me a little bit about yourself..."

I hate this question.  Usually, hours after I'm asked, I come up with something like this:

I like to travel.
I hate Gorgonzola and blue cheeses.
I only like cilantro in salsas.
I have a wicked spider bite scar/story.
I strongly dislike horror movies, but I love a good suspense/thriller.
I have no desire to bungee jump.
I have been spelunking and rappelling a few times.
I love to camp.
I can kayak. 
I am a former beauty pageant contestant, but only as a runner-up, although I did win Ms. Congeniality.
When it comes to sushi, I only eat California rolls because I don't like raw fish.
I play the violin, but not very well.
I like to run, even though today I'm having a hard time getting motivated - hence the blogging.
I have a strong aversion to people who lie.
I can't keep a secret from my husband.
My best friends are like my family.
I worked in a large animal vet clinic once. 
Parenthood is my favorite TV show. 
I have two little girls. 
They are not at all who I expected - they are even better than that.
I'm from Columbia, Missouri and went to Mizzou.
I was an English major, Art History minor.
I played club soccer - wasn't good enough for Varsity but I love the game.
I've had my heart broken a few times.
Not just for reasons of love, but also by life.
It's made me stronger. (cue Kelly Clarkson or Kayne West song)
In another life, I would be an interior decorator.  Or a nurse.
I read the Twilight and Hunger Games series, but not Harry Potter.
I didn't go to my first high school reunion.  Not sure about the second. 
17 years ago I would have pegged myself as someone who would.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was 17 years ago. 

Borders' Loss, My Gain

A few weeks back when Borders was having their liquidation sale, I bought several books I didn't really need, but I also snagged a huge bulletin board for $10.  The same size at The Container Store was $70 and this one was in great condition and needed just some paint and fabric (it's Dwell Studio and unfortunately at $16/yard was more expensive than the actual bulletin board, but I fell in love with it).  This morning I finished it - and it looks great!  I can't wait for Jeff to hang it up in the girls' room.  Yes, I have a fear of hanging things on plaster walls so I need my husband to do it for me.  I'm excited to see the cute things that M & JJ want to put up.

Tackling the To-Do-List

There have been 3 or 4 things on my to-do-list for awhile now and I've crossed a few of them off in the last few days:

Dr.'s appt. (Friday)
Finish bulletin board for girls' room (in progress)
Get maternity & kids clothes ready to sell/get rid of (in progress)
Thompson Center paperwork (currently working on and taking a break to talk about how laborous it is to fill out pages and pages of questions regarding the last 6 years of M's life.)

Seriously - I should have kept better records when she was a baby because I can't remember when she first rolled over or ate her first grape, or gave her first monologue.  NO, she has wasn't waxing poetic as a toddler, but I do remember the first time she said "I love you" and sang the alphabet, and it was way earlier than she was supposed to because it freaked.me.out.  Thanks to the wonder of camcorders, we have a few of these things on tape so the exact dates are known.  I remember being worried about JJ because she was 18 months and didn't know all of her colors and geometric shapes.  Not to worry, I was told.  That's what they call NORMAL. 

Filling out these forms makes me feel, once again, that I am way more in touch with M's development than JJ's.  It brings on the mom guilt even more.  Also the fact that M got her educational diagnosis of Autism in March and her neurologist suggested back in May that we go to the Thompson Center and I am just now getting around to finishing the stack of forms.  What can I say, I was overwhelmed.  I always feel overwhelmed.

I went to counseling this morning and of course severely depleted the supply of Kleenex in her office.  And now I have golf ball eyes for the rest of the day.  I swear, sometimes when I pick up the girls I think their schools think I'm on drugs because my eyes are red and puffy.  And you would think after 4 years I would be done with counseling, but after several starts and stops, I am right back there.  And I recently started over with a new counselor, which is so hard because you have to retell things so that they have context.  Exhausting.  So after I got back and realized that I couldn't really go anywhere else today where people might see my face, I figured I would finally get this packet ready to go in the mail.  It's taken me all afternoon, but I am almost finished.

Damn you, flip flops.

You are the choice of shoe for my 6-year old, and I hate you.  You are the reason that the soles of her feet are now permanently black.  I blame you for her skinned knee last week on the way to school and this morning for the twisted ankle because you provide absolutely. no. shock. support.  So I had to drag my daughter a block and a half to school with a few "we've all been there"'s and "rough morning, huh"'s tossed my way as she screamed at the top of her lungs.  And it's all your fault.  I would like to hurl you into the fire pit this evening while I have a stiff drink to celebrate.  But I know the power you have over my child and that would reduce us to hillbillies the next day when she walked in barefoot to school.  My search for a replacement for you has cost me lots of cash - Five Fingers for kids, indoor soccer shoes, many a pair from Stride Rite.  I know this is strong, but I might hate this aspect of her Asperger's/Sensory stuff more than the withholding of stools.  Yes, I may despise you more than cleaning up poop. 

Barn Light Electric Giveaway!

Even if I didn't live in a 75-year old house, I would still love mixing old and new in my decorating style. One of the ways I've done this is with lighting. We have old schoolhouse lights in our kitchen that I love. And now that the kitchen is finished we're working on the bathroom renovation.  And Barn Light Electric is where I would like to purchase the lighting - which is why I need to win their giveaway!  Of course, when I looked for ideas for the bathroom, I saw more lights for the other rooms of the house.

The Triple Botswick Bath Light for the upstairs bathrooms (even the non-gutted one).

Two Barn Light Radial Cast Guard CGU Sconces for M & JJ's room (to go in each built-in bed, because hey, I'm already dreaming).

The Halsted Semi-Flush Ceiling Light for the powder room downstairs - or the upstairs foyer - or both!

And a Cape Cod Barn Lantern right outside the front door.

Winning would make me really, really happy.  :)

Want to join in on the fun?

1. Look around online at Barn Light Electric and pick lights you'd love to win.

2.Share your picks on your blog and link to the lights if you can.

3.Copy and paste these rules at the bottom of your blog post.

4. Once your post is up, you must email your blog link to: contest@barnlightelectric.com to be qualified to win. The contest ends October 12th, 2011.

Ahhh, a wonderful Fall Saturday

After two sad and depressing blog posts, today I am filled with the spirit of Fall.  It's only 2 pm and if the day ended right here I would be satisfied.  A refreshing 8.2 mile long run this morning in the cool autumn air with two amazing friends where we got to vent and work towards our half-marathon goal.  Afterwards, a Mediterranean breakfast sandwich and orange juice at Bread Co. (Panera for all those outside of STL), which after said long run tasted like the best breakfast sandwich I had ever eaten - Jen & Ellen expressed the same sentiments about theirs.  Something about a long run that makes everything you eat afterwards taste even better than usual.  Then home to hear about the girls' awesome soccer practice where they BOTH wore their soccer cleats.  Woohoo!  M also wore shoes last night to her school's Fallapalooza festival so maybe we are turning a corner - but I won't get my hopes up yet.  They also made their team shirts - tie dye - I love this team.  I am so glad that my friend Heather organized it and my friend Erin lets us play in her huge backyard.  And the high school boys that run the team are magical and get them to actually listen and play.  I took a glorious warm shower and after putting on my Mizzou black & gold (GO TIGERS!), I made hard-boiled eggs with JJ.  Our neighbor gave us some fresh eggs from his chickens so I had to use up the store bought ones.  Then I used the apples from JJ's class trip to the orchard on Tuesday to make an apple crisp that will make our friend Barb's house smell so good while we're watching the football game tonight.  I wish every day could be this wonderful. 

Friends

I just had a great walk & talk with a friend.  Starting at our house, walked a mile or so to Starbucks, then back again with frappuccino in hand.  There is a comfort level there where I don't question if she still likes me after I say something stupid or if I reveal too much of my ugly past that she will cut and run.  I've had this happen many times and I'm usually fearful of repeats so I don't open up.  I've even had worse than just the cut and run happen, as I mentioned in my running post.  And that has truly messed me up. 

I grew up placing friends at greater importance than family.  That may sound cruel, but my family history would explain a lot.  I invested a lot in my friendships, usually more than I got back, but I was ill-equipped to really be an adequate friend while I was younger because I hadn't had good examples.  My parents didn't have close friends and my siblings and I weren't really taught to be friends with each other.  And while chaos was all around me - drugs, yelling, divorce, etc. - I was too immature to be there for friends while they were going through tough things.  I would retreat and lose friendships. I was always friends with those who were okay with being surface-y, but not too deep.  I often befriended those who moved to my town for a short time, then moved away again soon after.  Those who didn't know where I came from.  I look back and see so many missed opportunities - if I hadn't been so scared. I have reconnected with some, and I'm thankful for that, but I'll never get back those bonding moments that I just wasn't prepared for.  There's one friendship that I don't have a second chance at because she was killed in a car accident my senior year.  I started pulling away from her my junior year because I didn't trust her or her reasons for being my friend.  It was my own insecurities that led to the demise of a great friendship.  I couldn't have prevented her death, but I would have so many more memories of her if I hadn't mistrusted her. Despite all my efforts to isolate myself, I still managed to come away with best friends who I am so grateful for.  They won't give up on me even if I tried to push them away.  They are family to me.

Despite being wounded by my past and the actions of those I thought were friends, I am still taking risks with new friendships.  I know I won't always be safe and I am much more guarded now than I used to be.  I just need to find that balance again so I don't shut people out who are meant to enrich my life.  The walk today was refreshing and I shared a little bit more about my life - and I didn't have that sick feeling afterwards where I worry about if she thinks of me differently or whether the friendship will fizzle.  She is a true one, a safe one.  Actually, I see a lot more of that in my life now.  Maybe it's because I'm learning to be vulnerable.  I can't say that it's because I'm becoming more comfortable with my past, because I know that's not true - I'm still working on that in counseling.  It's funny, someone once told me (yelled at me, actually), that I needed to go to counseling.  I was already in counseling at the time, but I've needed much more since then, thankyouverymuch.  I don't know if I'll ever get this life thing down on my own.

Another thing I'm thankful for when it comes to my current friendship situation, especially with how it affects our girls, is our House Group from church.  It's a diverse group of men and women, some single, some married, some older than us, some in the same place, some just starting out.  They come over every Wednesday night and M and JJ get so excited.  I love having our house filled with laughter and noise and I can tell that they do too.  It's redeeming to now have a home that I feel safe in and that my friends can come over and share life with us.  Because of this, I hope our daughters will grow up with a different perspective on friendship and how important it is.

Things I Would Spend Money On If I Had Any

1. A gas fireplace insert.
2. A new couch.
3. A plumber for our gutted bathroom upstairs so Jeff wouldn't have to do it himself.
4. An eliptical trainer.
5. Furniture for our enclosed porch - I like the brown wicker stuff from Pottery Barn.
6. A lot of things from Pottery Barn.
7. Fabric from the fabric store that I am in love with.  Green with brown stripes - beautiful.
8. Elfa shelf system for the girls' playroom.
9. Lumber to build beds for the girls' room to look like many of the pictures I have saved on Pinterest.
10. A carpenter to do the work so that, once again, Jeff doesn't have to.  Wait - Jeff won't be doing that anyway - he says we have to finish the bathroom before we do anything else.  But I highly doubt the bed project will ever happen.
11. A vacation to somewhere warm.
12. New jeans.
13. Cozy sweaters.
14. Shoes that M will actually wear.
15. A new garage door/opener.
16. Actually, just an entirely new garage. 
17. A custom closet.
18. World peace.  Saying that will help me get all of these things, right?

One foot in front of the other....

That's a mantra I used to repeat to myself on my really long runs, usually 10 miles and up.  Yesterday I was having to tell myself that on my 6-miler which is my current "long run".  I've been a runner since jr. high, but I've recently been in a slump. 

When I was in 9th grade, it was easy to find motivation to run.  Getting out of my crazy house for some stress relief was reason #1.  My parents lived really close the MKT trail (also known as the Katy Trail), so I would either run a few miles or bike to the next town and back.  10th grade I had a really cute boyfriend who only lived 4 miles away, so I would run to his house and sometimes if I wasn't up for the run home, he would drive me back.  The duration of high school I ran cross country to keep in shape for soccer because I was a midfielder and we did a heckuva lot of running.  There was a trailhead that was unknown to most that I would go to on my own just to run in the empty fields and by the creeks that wound throughout.  Getting away from everything was my main goal and I loved that I was all by myself.  I would go there in college too, but by then other people had discovered it.  Jeff & I would go there a lot.  He knew that if I was having a rough day, that's where I would be and he would come and find me out there sometimes.  We had some of our best talks there.  It was where he would propose to me years later.  He knew it was a really special place for me.  I haven't found somewhere here that brings me as much peace as that place.
I kept running in college.  Still for stress relief, but mostly because that's what I did.  It's who I was.  I didn't feel right unless I had been running.  I wasn't an every day runner, but I had my routines; my set days. I would go to my old high school to do speedwork/run bleachers and would run into my old coach sometimes.  I think he was happy that I was still running but probably a little disappointed because it looked to him like I was more dedicated than I was while I was on his team.  :)  Jeff & I started to run together while we were in school and that's something I really miss doing with him.  I know a lot of people who run with their kids in a jogging stroller, but M's capacity was about 2-3 miles and then she had a full meltdown.  It doesn't do much for stress-relief to push a screaming kid while trying to run. 
When we moved to Rockford for Jeff's job, we joined a running club called Road Crew.  I loved it and I really miss it.  It's another reason I love my M.O.THE.R running group so much.  I had never run over 8 miles at this point and that was just in XC practice.  We did hill work, speed work, tempo runs, etc. and became better runners.  I was pretty good in my age bracket in local races and the Road Runners club I joined.  I still have my 5K, 10K, 1/2, and full PR's from then in my head.  Jeff & I trained for and ran the Chicago Marathon together.  Then we moved back to St. Louis 2 weeks after that.  We kept running, did another half marathon, but it wasn't the same without our group.  And then I had M a year and a half later.  While pregnant, I walked EVERY DAY with my friend Melinda.  In rain, in snow, in negative temps.  So I was in pretty good shape when she was born, but afterwards....running with a chest full of breastmilk HURTS.  I did not envy my friends who had to deal with cup sizes bigger than a C their entire lives.  I could see why many of them had breast reduction surgery.  But I got through it and returned to normal size.  I kept running but was not one of those women who gets better after having babies.  We used to run in Rockford with a lady who would win races mere weeks after having a kid.  We saw her name in Runner's World a few years back for winning the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco.  And she has 4 kids.  How do they do it?!  Natural talent and lots of babysitters. 
When I got pregnant with JJ, I was busy chasing around M, but didn't get my running in.  And I had to go to physical therapy for a twisted SI joint, so working out wasn't tops on priority list.  So when JJ was a few months old and I thought I would just click out an easy 3-miles, my body said hell no.  Many ortho visits ensued and the message was clear that my body wasn't what it used to be. 
I finally started to get back into it and was doing pretty well when I was really hurt by someone I thought was my friend.  I thought that I would turn to running again to deal with my stress and sadness, but the mind/body connection is a funny thing.  The person that had hurt me had once told me that she starting running because she was inspired by me. Yeah, in a Single White Female sort of way.  So I think I subconsciously chose to not be anything like that person.  To not obsess over running, to not place my value in my physical appearance.  I didn't want to find my identity in running, and I think I also wanted to punish myself by not taking care of my body.  I would listen to the negative tape of messages in my head that told me I would never be the same.  That was 2 years ago and I am still recovering.  But now I am surrounded by amazing women who are real friends and who love me well.  I have a great running group again.  And I am getting my confidence back, running and otherwise, from that emotional blow. 
I went for a long run yesterday.  In the rain - one of my old favorites.  When my mind started messing with me, I focused on "one foot in front of the other" and "running is just hard" - another mantra from years before.  And the thought of a warm shower when I got home.  And I made it - with no breaks.  And I didn't let the negative voice compare the me now to the me then.  6 miles was a great accomplishment yesterday - I don't care if I used to do 10 miles every Sunday back when we were in Rockford.  That was over 8 years ago.  This is my new long run.  And I want to erase those old PR's from my head so I don't compare, but only celebrate my new accomplishments.  Next Saturday I'm doing 8 with two dear friends that are such an encouragement to me.  After a long drought, I feel hope.  For the first time in quite a long time, I feel like a runner again.

Sick and Wrong

I don't think this picture even needs words, but I will say how terribly gross it is to dress your toddler in Baby Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie.  Zulily needs to fire the copywriter who wrote the description of the collection, which consists of slutty rompers for 2-year-olds, because there is nothing classy about this look.  Well, I guess they were just doing their job and covering for the no-taste buyer who wasted their company's money and reputation due to what I can only guess was not enough sleep or caffeine on said buying trip.  And the sad look on the little girl's face screams "I want to wear appropriate clothing for my age!"  I'd bet that her parents were just looking for a little extra cash to supplement their attempt at being on  Toddlers & Tiaras.  This outfit will hang in the closet next to daisy dukes with words splashed across the backside, midriff-baring tees with demeaning phrases, and other clothes that solicit to pedophiles. 

Seriously.  Anytime I question whether I'm messing my kids up, I will just refer back to this picture and any mother/daughter pageant/dance show on TLC.

Should I just be a feeder blog for SRMM?

Seriously.  I love this woman.  Today's post really hit home because it's something I've been worried about for a long time with M.  Last year she was asked on a total of ZERO playdates.  It was so sad the first time she saw one of her classmates going home with another.  Being the rule-follower that she is, she was more upset by the fact that Susie was going home with Katie and her mommy and not her OWN mommy like she's supposed to than she was about being left out.  I don't think she even understood the concept of a playdate.  After explaining it, she said she wanted to have the twins in the class over for a playdate at our house and my anxiety set in.  What if she just stopped playing with them and shut herself in her room?  What if she had a meltdown?  Only the first of those two happened and it went fairly well.  Then we had H over to play and again M chose to do her own thing but H didn't seem too upset about it.  I keep telling myself that it's only because it was the end of the year that there was no reciprocity, but the lack of invites for the first 8 months of school still broke my heart.
I know we're only in our second full week of school, but I'm already aware that M is viewed differently by the other girls.  I can't blame them after the screaming and crying scene the first week at drop-off.  And I don't see any other 1st graders carrying their stuffed animals in a mini travel carrier every day.  (Today: Snowflake the cat. Yesterday: Sealy the seal.  At least she's not pushing them in the baby stroller this year.)  I know the looks will increase once the weather cools off and she's still refusing to wear tennis shoes - only flip flops.
I know she's capable of making friends - thank goodness for Summer Adventure where she met her best friend, L.  It was amazing how well they clicked.  And he is an exceptional kid.  His mom also ROCKS and has become a dear friend of mine too.  But L goes to a different school and he's a boy.  There's nothing wrong with having a best friend that's a boy, but a girl needs girlfriends.  Her primary activity at recess is being chased by the boys - and I've been informed by one of their moms that they can NEVER catch her (SO PROUD) - which doesn't bother me either because I did the same thing at recess when I was her age, but I was running with other girls.  Not by myself.  When you ask who her friends are she mentions girl names too, but I don't think the feelings are mutual.  If they were, they would have had a playdate together already since they were in the same kindergarten class last year. 
As I'm writing, I realize that all of these deficiencies are Asperger's related but that doesn't stop me from being sad.  If anything, it makes me grieve more the loss of her not experiencing the same kind of friendships that I had.  Granted, I have had my own issues with friendship and how to be a good friend/have a good friend.  I've actually thought about writing on that subject but first need to figure out some really creative alternate names for people I want to exploit discuss. 
That's not to say that I'm not at fault for most of my friendship fails.  Jeff & I both come from homes where our parents didn't really have anyone over.  Seeing my parents with friends now is weird to me - though I'm really thankful that they are socializing more because they need good friends.  We never learned how to be friends from our parents.  We're not even close with our siblings. There's a lot more reasons for that, but I really believe that parents need to foster that in their children.  We try SO hard to teach JJ & M to encourage each other, love each other, and rely on each other because they are the only the sibling that they will ever have thanks to a need-to-be-scheduled trip to the urologist  and they are going to be friends for life.  This is usually in the middle of a mini-war between them, so the response we usually get is eye-rolling or more screaming. 
I'm thinking about writing a letter to the moms of M's Girl Scout troop to help the other kids see that she's really awesome, just limited in her social abilities.  I got the idea, of course, from the comment section of the post referred to above.  I'll have to look at the video she mentions to see if it's something I should pass along.  And I would probably have to direct them to this post too.  I need all the help I can get. 

M & L this Summer

Who wouldn't want to be friends with this cutie?  :)


***I really wasn't fishing for playdates with this post, but I am thankful for my 3 sweet friends who offered.  I'll take all of you up on it!***

Thankful....

...that M's teachers love her and really get her. 
...that after a bad first day in music class (it was too loud), that they are excusing her from that and she'll go to art class instead.  And after Friday's screaming and trying to run out the door after me, that 1.There were teachers strong enough to hold her back and 2.That there is a new plan in place for drop-off and the last two days have been great.
...that so far they have let her wear flipflops to school every day.
...that she enjoys Adventure Club after school. 
...that JJ likes her new classroom at Pre-K and has friends.
...that I have friends who want to help (even if I don't know how to ask)
...that even though I feel lost and I don't know where I should be, that my husband loves me. 
..."                                                                                             " that my kids love me.
...that we have a home, even though it's a mess and it's not very big, but it's ours.
...that it's going to be Fall soon.
...that I'm running again without pain.
...that I know what I'm fixing for dinner tonight and it's only 2:30. 

Posts to Come

So yesterday's post was kind of surfacey, not very deep or what I have been thinking about writing lately.  I have several posts that I've written in my head, but then I self-edit and they never end up here.  There is a lot on my heart and in my head that are stirring my emotions, but I'm afraid of laying it all out there, perhaps making someone angry, possibly being rejected.  I've been self-editing my whole life.  Always worried of truly exposing myself, being the people-pleaser, facing the disapproval and thoughts of others.  But my thoughts are always filled with these things and isn't the point of blogging to get it out of your head?  So maybe I'll risk and write what I really want to write.

Jeff's out of town on a business trip to Chicago - I hate it when he goes on business trips.  This time he asked me to go with him, but we couldn't find a babysitter.  I was so excited about the possibility since it's been 3 years since we had an overnight without the kids.  And that was my 30th birthday in Chicago.  The first night away I'd had from the girls.  We fought a lot that weekend because there were things going on under the surface that we hadn't broken yet.  It was a couple of weeks later that we started our 3 years of marriage counseling.  So if you do the math, I've been away with my husband just once since having kids 6 years ago.  I think we're overdue.

3 great rugs I bought today on MAJOR clearance

An upholstery store nearby was having their floor sample sale so I went in just to see what they had.  Our couch is almost 10 years old and it looks 20 after having juice spilled on it, baby mishaps, muddy shoes from the kiddos, you name it.  We were told by a cleaning company that they didn't want to take our money because it might not look much different after they worked on it.  Of course, when I went in, everything I loved were the only couches NOT on sale.  But I did find 3 Dash & Albert gems - I LOVE this rug company.  I'm still kicking myself (seriously I might lose sleep over it), for not buying the runner that matched the slate blue moorish tile 2x3.  On sale for $15 - selling right now all over the interwebs for $190 and no less.  :(  Oh well, it's mate was $10 and it will serve a purpose until I find a more fitting rug for our kitchen.  I passed on it because we already have a rug for our entryway and it's not long enough for a runner.  But when I was working in the kitchen today I realized that I could have put the runner against the longer wall of cabinets and put the smaller one on the other side so my work spaces would be cushioned.  I had always envisioned a bigger rug for the middle of the floor but realize that the option I just described would be much better.  I called back and of course it had been sold.  The sale opened today and they had a line outside the door at 8:30.  We had breakfast at Bread Co. and then went to Target to buy school supplies.  Oh well.  Here are the beauties:

For the back door.

In front of the kitchen sink.

The landing upstairs.  (This one is beautiful and the picture doesn't do it justice.  Also the pink lego box and legos scattered everywhere kind of clash.  But the gold in the rug matches the wall color perfectly.) 

Price for all 3 rugs:  $55.  Retail value:  a whole lot more.

But I still can't get that rug runner out of my head.  :)

******************

This morning:

So I've gotten over the runner thing (almost), but this morning I'm regretting my purchase of the rug upstairs.  The gold is a perfect match, but the other colors just don't sing to me.  So it might be heading to Craigslist soon. :)

Just got back from a quick run - my running partners knew what I didn't, a second huge storm is about to sweep through St. Louis.  No wonder they stayed at home.  Next time I'll check the weather. 

Quick update: 

The summer with the kiddos has been good so far, but not without it's bumps in the road.  M lasted only a couple of days at art camp before they told us that they couldn't accomodate her special needs.  Thankfully, I talked to the director at the summer program at her school and she can start there today.  I hope that the money is refunded to the Special Education Foundation and that they can transfer it over to the new camp because our funds are low.

Jeff just got out of the shower so I'm going to hurry and take one before the storm hits!