For my friends who have been at the mercy of my spontaneous tears for the last week, I did you a favor today: I scheduled time to cry. I had to enlist the aid of a catalyst: the movie The Descendants. Now, Jeff might be upset when he reads this because he might have wanted me to wait to watch it with him, but I knew this was one I needed to watch alone. And I knew I needed to cry. Recently, I've found myself crying in church with no end in sight, wiping snot on my sleeves for lack of Kleenex. I went to Bible study last night and just the sight of my good friends brought it up again. I'm usually good at holding it in - I've done it for years. I've pent up lots of tears over things that I'm really sad about. And instead I've been angry. I've made jokes at my expense to hide what's really underneath. I've been abusive towards myself in the form of lack of care. I've avoided deep moments with those that I love because it just hurts too much to feel. I've also been cussing a lot lately because I need release. Judge me if you will, but lately those words are the only ones fitting.
I cried most of the movie. And afterwards. I related with many characters: the hurt spouse who feels inadequate to raise his children alone, the daughter who feels neglected so she acts out, the scorned wife at the end yelling at George Clooney's wife that she forgives her - through gritted teeth. Actually, I indentified with most of the characters. Even the comatose wife, who at the end I wept for too, despite being disgusted with her for most of the movie. She was hurt too, her heart broken and disappointed and let down by those she misplaced her trust in. This movie was the perfect storm for an onslaught of weeping that has now resulted in what Jeff calls my "golf ball eyes". I wasn't kidding when I say I blocked out my afternoon to bawl. It was calculated and definitely efficient. Unfortunately, I think I need a week of Cry Time. And lots more emotion-provoking movies to get it out of me. I've been saving it up for oh so long.