For my friends who have been at the mercy of my spontaneous tears for the last week, I did you a favor today: I scheduled time to cry. I had to enlist the aid of a catalyst: the movie The Descendants. Now, Jeff might be upset when he reads this because he might have wanted me to wait to watch it with him, but I knew this was one I needed to watch alone. And I knew I needed to cry. Recently, I've found myself crying in church with no end in sight, wiping snot on my sleeves for lack of Kleenex. I went to Bible study last night and just the sight of my good friends brought it up again. I'm usually good at holding it in - I've done it for years. I've pent up lots of tears over things that I'm really sad about. And instead I've been angry. I've made jokes at my expense to hide what's really underneath. I've been abusive towards myself in the form of lack of care. I've avoided deep moments with those that I love because it just hurts too much to feel. I've also been cussing a lot lately because I need release. Judge me if you will, but lately those words are the only ones fitting.
I cried most of the movie. And afterwards. I related with many characters: the hurt spouse who feels inadequate to raise his children alone, the daughter who feels neglected so she acts out, the scorned wife at the end yelling at George Clooney's wife that she forgives her - through gritted teeth. Actually, I indentified with most of the characters. Even the comatose wife, who at the end I wept for too, despite being disgusted with her for most of the movie. She was hurt too, her heart broken and disappointed and let down by those she misplaced her trust in. This movie was the perfect storm for an onslaught of weeping that has now resulted in what Jeff calls my "golf ball eyes". I wasn't kidding when I say I blocked out my afternoon to bawl. It was calculated and definitely efficient. Unfortunately, I think I need a week of Cry Time. And lots more emotion-provoking movies to get it out of me. I've been saving it up for oh so long.
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tackling the To-Do-List
There have been 3 or 4 things on my to-do-list for awhile now and I've crossed a few of them off in the last few days:
Dr.'s appt. (Friday)
Finish bulletin board for girls' room (in progress)
Get maternity & kids clothes ready to sell/get rid of (in progress)
Thompson Center paperwork (currently working on and taking a break to talk about how laborous it is to fill out pages and pages of questions regarding the last 6 years of M's life.)
Seriously - I should have kept better records when she was a baby because I can't remember when she first rolled over or ate her first grape, or gave her first monologue. NO, she has wasn't waxing poetic as a toddler, but I do remember the first time she said "I love you" and sang the alphabet, and it was way earlier than she was supposed to because it freaked.me.out. Thanks to the wonder of camcorders, we have a few of these things on tape so the exact dates are known. I remember being worried about JJ because she was 18 months and didn't know all of her colors and geometric shapes. Not to worry, I was told. That's what they call NORMAL.
Filling out these forms makes me feel, once again, that I am way more in touch with M's development than JJ's. It brings on the mom guilt even more. Also the fact that M got her educational diagnosis of Autism in March and her neurologist suggested back in May that we go to the Thompson Center and I am just now getting around to finishing the stack of forms. What can I say, I was overwhelmed. I always feel overwhelmed.
I went to counseling this morning and of course severely depleted the supply of Kleenex in her office. And now I have golf ball eyes for the rest of the day. I swear, sometimes when I pick up the girls I think their schools think I'm on drugs because my eyes are red and puffy. And you would think after 4 years I would be done with counseling, but after several starts and stops, I am right back there. And I recently started over with a new counselor, which is so hard because you have to retell things so that they have context. Exhausting. So after I got back and realized that I couldn't really go anywhere else today where people might see my face, I figured I would finally get this packet ready to go in the mail. It's taken me all afternoon, but I am almost finished.
Dr.'s appt. (Friday)
Finish bulletin board for girls' room (in progress)
Get maternity & kids clothes ready to sell/get rid of (in progress)
Thompson Center paperwork (currently working on and taking a break to talk about how laborous it is to fill out pages and pages of questions regarding the last 6 years of M's life.)
Seriously - I should have kept better records when she was a baby because I can't remember when she first rolled over or ate her first grape, or gave her first monologue. NO, she has wasn't waxing poetic as a toddler, but I do remember the first time she said "I love you" and sang the alphabet, and it was way earlier than she was supposed to because it freaked.me.out. Thanks to the wonder of camcorders, we have a few of these things on tape so the exact dates are known. I remember being worried about JJ because she was 18 months and didn't know all of her colors and geometric shapes. Not to worry, I was told. That's what they call NORMAL.
Filling out these forms makes me feel, once again, that I am way more in touch with M's development than JJ's. It brings on the mom guilt even more. Also the fact that M got her educational diagnosis of Autism in March and her neurologist suggested back in May that we go to the Thompson Center and I am just now getting around to finishing the stack of forms. What can I say, I was overwhelmed. I always feel overwhelmed.
I went to counseling this morning and of course severely depleted the supply of Kleenex in her office. And now I have golf ball eyes for the rest of the day. I swear, sometimes when I pick up the girls I think their schools think I'm on drugs because my eyes are red and puffy. And you would think after 4 years I would be done with counseling, but after several starts and stops, I am right back there. And I recently started over with a new counselor, which is so hard because you have to retell things so that they have context. Exhausting. So after I got back and realized that I couldn't really go anywhere else today where people might see my face, I figured I would finally get this packet ready to go in the mail. It's taken me all afternoon, but I am almost finished.
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