One Liners

I am exhausted from this morning's events and it's only 10:15.

Drop-off was pretty horrible for M this morning. 

Her routine had a glitch and it set her off.

I had to literally run away while a teacher held her and she screamed.

Then I ran into a friend while I walking home and the tears I had been holding in started to pour out.

I'm so thankful for that talk - I needed to cry because I don't do it enough.

I have a list of things to do and I don't know if I'll get them all done.

I feel like anyone else would have already completed at least 3 things, but I am a mess.

I am excited for the Women's Retreat with my church that starts today.

I still need to pack.

Looking back at JJ's baby pictures makes me sad because I wish I had done things differently.

I was so burnt out from giving 150% to M that I wasn't even giving 100% to JJ. 

The colic didn't help.

I'm picking JJ up early today so we can have some quality time together - I don't need more regrets.

On the agenda: donating toys to Shriner's hospital and painting nails.

I hope M isn't screaming at school anymore and that her day has turned around.

I wish I hadn't missed my run this morning because my cough/cold doesn't feel that bad right now.

I love my running group.

I'm listening to DMB "Grace is Gone" - one of the best songs to listen to when I'm sad.

Now I need to listen to Glee Cast's "Raise Your Glass" to cheer me up and get me going.

I need to get on to that list.

Braids make everything better

As it is the Murphy's Law of my life, I am extremely motivated today and don't even want to sit for a second - and I have to pick up M early to take her to the neurologist.  Don't get me wrong, this appointment is something that I want to do also, but I am really enjoying organizing and listening to Ben Harper and Big Head Todd & The Monsters (next to each other alphabetically in our iTunes), at a high volume in my house, all by myself.  I have nervous tummy today because of the appt. though.  I just wish I could hang out in his office for hours and ask the tons of questions that we have.  It just seems to go by so fast and then I leave wishing that I had asked more questions.  Jeff can't be there today because the important people that work for the company that he's been working on a project for for the past year & a half just happened to choose this week to come and visit.  And since their project is the sole reason that he was hired in the first place, he kind of has to stay at the office.  Bummer.  We've never been to the neuro doc without the other.  But, because he rocks, he wrote out two pages of notes/questions for me to take with me.

I hope the rest of the day is a good indication of how the afternoon will go.  M let me braid her hair this morning  - that almost never happens.  We were early getting ready so I took her to Bread Co. for a bagel - I really needed a vanilla latte so this was great too.  She was being so sweet.  She did hop around and pretend to be a leopard, but we got smiles instead of evil stares.  Probably because she had cute braids. 

Drop-off went well too, and I even stopped by for lunch and hung out on the playground for a while before heading back to home to continue my cleaning and jam session.  Why can't all days be this awesome?  *I might be jinxing myself by saying that....the day isn't over yet.

Momma said knock you out...

This morning started cheerfully as we had Muffins with Mom at JJ's school.  Miss M had to come along because Jeff had to be at work.  For an hour, all seemed right with the world as I sat with my two little ones and ate muffins, read them The Three Billy Goats Gruff and Rumplestilzkin, and looked at the green beans and peas that they are growing.  And then I took M to school and that picture of bliss was shattered. 

M still has severe separation anxiety, even though she is 6 and she has been going to kindergarten for 9 months now.  She kept attempting to follow me as I left, and her para wasn't at the classroom yet to help me restrain her.  In a change of events, instead of racing after me as I try to leave as she usually does, she made a run for the front door of the school.  She was halfway out when I wrapped my arms around her to prevent escape.  I felt something sharp on my hand and then I noticed the blood.  Yes, another proud moment as a mother - I knocked my little girl's front tooth out.  Yes, it was already loose for awhile but the skull-splitting screams and amount of blood, combined with people staring, made me feel like crap.  And I was looking forward to having lunch with her tomorrow, but that was a consequence that I said would be taken away if she didn't have a good drop-off.  That and no scooter today or tomorrow.  Which also sucks for me because that is the only way to get her to school on time.  If we walk, she stops at every blade of grass to see if there are signs of insect life.  Or jumps in every single puddle.  Or just stands there, looking at the sky. 

It's only 9:45 and I want to go back to bed and start over.      

Hopeful

This is what the girls were singing this morning on the way to school:

"Jesus is better than Easter eggs!  And God is the best person in the world!" 

At least some things are sinking in. 

A follow-up to Sunday

After my rough day on Sunday, Jeff decided to catch up on my last month or two of posts.  I asked him what he thought of my post and he said "I don't really check your blog much because you don't post that often".  True.  But I'm trying to be better at it.  So, he read it later and after showering me with praise for being a literary blog genius (hardly) - he said he was worried about protecting our kids.  He knows that I need an outlet so I don't go crazy with the stress (too late), but he wishes he could be there right next to people who are reading the posts so he can stand up for our kids because they are pretty. freaking. awesome.  For instance, if people think things like, "why don't you try a special diet?", or "maybe you need to discipline her better", or "she seems totally fine to me all the times I've spent a mere 30 minutes around her", he can then puff up his chest and prepare to kick some a** to defend our babies like a crazed duck at Tilles Park.  (I used to be scared to take M there because they were really violent when they had ducklings.)  He doesn't want people to judge her (& JJ) because they are incredible people.  Truly amazing individuals.  And while I might get frustrated with them and some most days I think to myself "we are DEFINITELY done having children", I love them more than anything else in this world.  There is nothing "wrong" with them.  They are both unique and have different strengths and abilities.  M might have a diagnosis on the Autism spectrum, but she is insanely talented in her artwork and super creative and also very loving.  JJ might be a drama queen, but she is the funniest kid, loves her friends, and always surprises us.  I understand Jeff wanting to shake people who think something totally different to that effect.  I love how he loves and protects our girls.  But I hope that those who read my blog will be reading because they get it.  Because if you don't, then you really shouldn't waste your time reading my blog anyways. 

But you should check out this blog: 



I just found her the other day through my friend Katie (thank you!).  Today's post is wonderful.  And the other day when she had a Top Ten of what you shouldn't say to a parent whose child is on the spectrum.  We need more moms (and non-moms!) out there who don't judge.  Isn't there some unwritten code of womanhood that we look out for each other?  Well, there should be.  I have unfortunately been the subject of a woman's ignorance to the code and it just plain sucks. 

Tonight we have a fun dinner with our house group from church and the girls are invited.  I love the people who are hosting.  I love our whole house group, actually.  I am really thankful for them.  I'm thankful for everyone at our church - there are some beautiful women there (and I'm talking about what's on the inside.  That's what counts anyways.), who encourage me and love me regardless of anything.

Rough Day

I'm having a rough day today.  I should be enjoying a day with my girls while Jeff is fishing, but nothing has been going right.  I didn't get to go to church - which I desperately need because I've worked in the nursery two weeks straight and I need to be spiritually fed - because after I dropped off the girls in their classrooms, I heard screaming from the hallway outside the auditorium.  I had a feeling it was my kid.  And it was.  I attempted to get her back in her classroom and I was able to listen to the sermon for about 5 minutes before the teacher came and got me.  So we left.  And JJ wouldn't take a nap today no matter how hard I tried.  And she NEEDS it because she had her birthday party yesterday and she's coming off of a sugar high so she's really cranky.  I need to think of something for the next 8 hours until my wonderful husband returns home so I don't feel like I'm giving up on motherhood today and my girls feel loved.  It's HARD right now.  I wanted to cry in church because everyone was looking at me and none of them understand.  At least I didn't break down crying like I did last month at Party City when M pulled all of the balloons out of the bins and spread them all over the floor and the snotty moms gave me dirty looks and muttered to themselves that "she should really clean that up".  I love the people at my church so I didn't feel exactly the same as the Party City day when I wanted to shout: "JUST BUY YOUR CRAPPY JUSTIN BIEBER BALLOONS AND GO!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A KID WITH AUTISM!" 

Peace and Quiet

It's 4 o'clock in the morning and no one else is up in the house but me.  It's kind of nice being in the peace and quiet - it doesn't happen often.  I fell asleep putting the girls to bed (again), and J swears he came in and tried to wake me up.  I vaguely remember this.

I realize it's been three weeks since I last blogged - we have been so busy.  We had our meeting with the care team who evaluated M to discuss her IEP eligibility and without a doubt she qualifies.  So her official IEP will be written on March 31st.  Wow.  It's been 3 years since we first started down this road and it feels so good to finally have an answer.  There are many more things that I still don't have an answer for, but at least having one is something.  The meeting was good - I love her school.  I was composed and tear-free when they were talking about the test results (most of it we already knew and it was consistent with Asperger's), but when the lady from SSD (Special School District for those not in St. Louis), said the thing that impressed her most was what the school was doing for her already without an IEP that they aren't even required to do.  Even though we I already knew this too, I started crying.  It's true - they have been unbelievable in finding ways to help M.  And we know that they love her, and not just because they tell us.  Ever since December, after her suspension (I can't remember if I blogged about that, but probably not), she hasn't had any more incidents.  Just to be clear - the suspension was more about giving the school a couple days to put an emergency schedule in place for M.  A few people I talked to were shocked that they suspended a kindergartner, but the environment was just too chaotic for her.  She spends time one-on-one with different teachers throughout the day and then she's in the classroom with an aid a few times too.  As soon as the IEP is in place, she'll have occupational therapy at school too.  And she's starting to work on reports and projects with the REACH teacher individually.  I think she's doing something on horses.  Have I said how much I love her school? 

What else have I been up to?  I went to visit one of my best friends in NC, which was a gift from J - it was wonderful.  So good to see her since it had been 2 years and because it actually felt like Spring there, which I can't say for St. Louis. Snow.  Seriously.  I am SO sick of snow.  We're supposed to get more this weekend. 

M's birthday party was last weekend and it was so fun to have lots of gigging girls at our house.  She wanted to have stations with different activities so we had necklace making at one, fake tattoos at another, and decorating a little canister that later became their goody bag.  I will post pictures in another post because I just don't want to mess with it right now.  J and I stayed up very late making her cake.  She requested a laptop cake.  Mostly because she asked for a laptop for her birthday and because we told her we couldn't do that, she opted for a cake that looks like one.  That will be the last 3-dimensional cake I ever make.  And I think that fondant is like drywall - a professional should be hired.  Except my husband rocks at drywall - it just takes forever.  But we both failed at fondant.  He was more successful than I was, but it was still 4 a.m. before we went to bed last Friday night.  And we started making the cake on Wednesday night by cutting out the keyboard.  Thursday we baked and Friday we decorated.  I'll post pictures next time - I'm too tired.

Speaking of being exhausted after not getting enough sleep, I think I should go crawl into bed.  Goodnight.