The Life of Rileys

"So tell me a little bit about yourself..."

2012-01-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago and this was, inevitably, the first question that was asked. It scares the crap out of me because I don't know how to respond. This is true for two reasons: sometimes I don't even know the answer to that AND what if you don't like what I have to say? So I fumbled around with the usual, boring words to describe myself and it may have cost me the job. And as it was with playground insults as a child, I have come up with hundreds of comebacks now that I am safely back at home. So, here are some things about myself (not at all interview-appropriate, but true, nonetheless), that I am after 33 years just being able to say about myself.

I like to travel.
I hate Gorgonzola and blue cheeses.
I only like cilantro in salsas.
I have a wicked spider bite scar/story.
I strongly dislike horror movies, but I love a good suspense/thriller.
I have no desire to bungee jump.
I have been spelunking and rappelling a few times.
I love to camp.
I can kayak.
I am a former beauty pageant contestant, but only as a runner-up, although I did win Ms. Congeniality.
When it comes to sushi, I only eat California rolls because I don't like raw fish.
I play the violin, but not very well.
I like to run, even though today I'm having a hard time getting motivated - hence the blogging.
I have a strong aversion to people who lie.
I can't keep a secret from my husband.
I have two brothers, one is in prison.
I've never tried drugs - directly related to the statement above.
My best friends are like my family.
I worked in a large animal vet clinic once.
Parenthood is my favorite TV show.
I have two little girls.
They are not at all who I expected - they are even better than that.
I'm from Columbia, Missouri and went to Mizzou - #2 basketball team in the nation - GO Tigers!
I was an English major, Art History minor.
I played club soccer - wasn't good enough for Varsity but I love the game.
I've had my heart broken a few times.
Not just for reasons of love, but also by life.
It's made me stronger. (cue Kelly Clarkson or Kayne West song)
In another life, I would be an interior decorator. Or a nurse.
I read the Twilight and Hunger Games series, but not Harry Potter.
I didn't go to my first high school reunion. Not sure about the second.
17 years ago I would have pegged myself as someone who would.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was 17 years ago.
Just found out that I didn't get the job.
Oh well, on to the next interview.

Borders' Loss, My Gain

2011-10-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back when Borders was having their liquidation sale, I bought several books I didn't really need, but I also snagged a huge bulletin board for $10. The same size at The Container Store was $70 and this one was in great condition and needed just some paint and fabric (it's Dwell Studio and unfortunately at $16/yard was more expensive than the actual bulletin board, but I fell in love with it). This morning I finished it - and it looks great! I can't wait for Jeff to hang it up in the girls' room. Yes, I have a fear of hanging things on plaster walls so I need my husband to do it for me. I'm excited to see the cute things that M & JJ want to put up.

Great news

2011-10-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

I survived 3 days of Jeff being in Minneapolis and my kids said that they had a lot of fun while dad was gone. Really? Because when I yelled at JJ to stop screaming, for I wasn't putting freaking apples on her grilled cheese, and she ran upstairs and M looked at me with a stark expression on her face and said "mom, she's just a preschooler", I thought that surely the summary for the 3 days would be described in other words than "fun". But I'll take it.
And miracle of miracles: M has worn shoes for 6 straight days now. I KNOW. HUGE. I asked the OT at school if there was anything she could think of that would help and I guess she sprinkled her magic OT dust over M's head while she wasn't looking because M is going around saying that flip flops are dumb and they hurt your feet. Hallelujah. Friday, I thought it was too good to be true because she wanted to wear her flip flops again. But halfway to school she changed her mind and said that she wanted her tennis shoes. So I whipped those puppies out of her backpack and we were back in business. The secret has been the socks. If she has at least two pairs on, it feels tight enough on her feet and there isn't as much slipping inside the shoes. So I have been washing the same 4 pairs of socks over and over again. I might need to buy more socks.
Jeff took the girls to the school playground while I was working on Saturday and M learned to ride without her training wheels! We were at a friend's house the night before and she hopped on their kid's bike and started riding so we figured she was ready. It's such an amazing thing to see your baby ride a two-wheeler for the first time. I'm so proud of her. I just stood there watching her and thinking, "I'm not sure what life holds for my little girl with Asperger's, but she can ride a bike and I know that will make her happy. And there are some kids who will never ride a bike." I can't wait to go on family bike rides on the trails.
And it's still 80 degrees where we live - Fall will return this weekend. But I'm thankful that at 7 am yesterday morning as I went on my long run, I was still wearing shorts and a short-sleeve shirt. And this weekend is Mizzou Homecoming! We're not going, but we'll fly our flag proudly. Even after our sad loss to K-State. :(

Tackling the To-Do-List

2011-10-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

There have been 3 or 4 things on my to-do-list for awhile now and I've crossed a few of them off in the last few days:

Dr.'s appt. (Friday)
Finish bulletin board for girls' room (in progress)
Get maternity & kids clothes ready to sell/get rid of (in progress)
Thompson Center paperwork (currently working on and taking a break to talk about how laborous it is to fill out pages and pages of questions regarding the last 6 years of M's life.)

Seriously - I should have kept better records when she was a baby because I can't remember when she first rolled over or ate her first grape, or gave her first monologue. NO, she has wasn't waxing poetic as a toddler, but I do remember the first time she said "I love you" and sang the alphabet, and it was way earlier than she was supposed to because it freaked.me.out. Thanks to the wonder of camcorders, we have a few of these things on tape so the exact dates are known. I remember being worried about JJ because she was 18 months and didn't know all of her colors and geometric shapes. Not to worry, I was told. That's what they call NORMAL.

Filling out these forms makes me feel, once again, that I am way more in touch with M's development than JJ's. It brings on the mom guilt even more. Also the fact that M got her educational diagnosis of Autism in March and her neurologist suggested back in May that we go to the Thompson Center and I am just now getting around to finishing the stack of forms. What can I say, I was overwhelmed. I always feel overwhelmed. Hopefully the meds I picked up today (thanks to checking off the first item on my list), will help that.

I went to counseling this morning and of course severely depleted the supply of Kleenex in her office. And now I have golf ball eyes for the rest of the day. I swear, sometimes when I pick up the girls I think their schools think I'm on drugs because my eyes are red and puffy. And you would think after 4 years I would be done with counseling, but after several starts and stops, I am right back there. And I recently started over with a new counselor, which is so hard because you have to retell things so that they have context. Exhausting. So after I got back and realized that I couldn't really go anywhere else today where people might see my face, I figured I would finally get this packet ready to go in the mail. It's taken me all afternoon, but I am almost finished.

Damn you, flip flops.

2011-09-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

You are the choice of shoe for my 6-year old, and I hate you. You are the reason that the soles of her feet are now permanently black. I blame you for her skinned knee last week on the way to school and this morning for the twisted ankle because you provide absolutely. no. shock. support. So I had to drag my daughter a block and a half to school with a few "we've all been there"'s and "rough morning, huh"'s tossed my way as she screamed at the top of her lungs. And it's all your fault. I would like to hurl you into the fire pit this evening while I have a stiff drink to celebrate. But I know the power you have over my child and that would reduce us to hillbillies the next day when she walked in barefoot to school. My search for a replacement for you has cost me lots of cash - Five Fingers for kids, indoor soccer shoes, many a pair from Stride Rite. I know this is strong, but I might hate this aspect of her Asperger's/Sensory stuff more than the withholding of stools. Yes, I may despise you more than cleaning up poop.

Barn Light Electric Giveaway!

2011-09-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

Even if I didn't live in a 75-year old house, I would still love mixing old and new in my decorating style. One of the ways I've done this is with lighting. We have old schoolhouse lights in our kitchen that I love. And now that the kitchen is finished we're working on the bathroom renovation. And Barn Light Electric is where I would like to purchase the lighting - which is why I need to win their giveaway! Of course, when I looked for ideas for the bathroom, I saw more lights for the other rooms of the house.

The Triple Botswick Bath Light for the upstairs bathrooms (even the non-gutted one).

Two Barn Light Radial Cast Guard CGU Sconces for M & JJ's room (to go in each built-in bed, because hey, I'm already dreaming).

The Halsted Semi-Flush Ceiling Light for the powder room downstairs - or the upstairs foyer - or both!

And a Cape Cod Barn Lantern right outside the front door.

Winning would make me really, really happy. :)

Want to join in on the fun?

1. Look around online at Barn Light Electric and pick lights you'd love to win.

2.Share your picks on your blog and link to the lights if you can.

3.Copy and paste these rules at the bottom of your blog post.

4. Once your post is up, you must email your blog link to: contest@barnlightelectric.com to be qualified to win. The contest ends October 12th, 2011.

Ahhh, a wonderful Fall Saturday

2011-09-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

After two sad and depressing blog posts, today I am filled with the spirit of Fall. It's only 2 pm and if the day ended right here I would be satisfied. A refreshing 8.2 mile long run this morning in the cool autumn air with two amazing friends where we got to vent and work towards our half-marathon goal. Afterwards, a Mediterranean breakfast sandwich and orange juice at Bread Co. (Panera for all those outside of STL), which after said long run tasted like the best breakfast sandwich I had ever eaten - Jen & Ellen expressed the same sentiments about theirs. Something about a long run that makes everything you eat afterwards taste even better than usual. Then home to hear about the girls' awesome soccer practice where they BOTH wore their soccer cleats. Woohoo! M also wore shoes last night to her school's Fallapalooza festival so maybe we are turning a corner - but I won't get my hopes up yet. They also made their team shirts - tie dye - I love this team. I am so glad that my friend Heather organized it and my friend Erin lets us play in her huge backyard. And the high school boys that run the team are magical and get them to actually listen and play. I took a glorious warm shower and after putting on my Mizzou black & gold (GO TIGERS!), I made hard-boiled eggs with JJ. Our neighbor gave us some fresh eggs from his chickens so I had to use up the store bought ones. Then I used the apples from JJ's class trip to the orchard on Tuesday to make an apple crisp that will make our friend Barb's house smell so good while we're watching the football game tonight. I wish every day could be this wonderful.

Friends

2011-09-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

I just had a great walk & talk with a friend. Starting at our house, walked a mile or so to Starbucks, then back again with frappuccino in hand. There is a comfort level there where I don't question if she still likes me after I say something stupid or if I reveal too much of my ugly past that she will cut and run. I've had this happen many times and I'm usually fearful of repeats so I don't open up. I've even had worse than just the cut and run happen, as I mentioned in my running post. And that has truly messed me up.

I grew up placing friends at greater importance than family. That may sound cruel, but my family history would explain a lot. I invested a lot in my friendships, usually more than I got back, but I was ill-equipped to really be an adequate friend while I was younger because I hadn't had good examples. My parents didn't have close friends and my siblings and I weren't really taught to be friends with each other. And while chaos was all around me - drugs, yelling, divorce, etc. - I was too immature to be there for friends while they were going through tough things. I would retreat and lose friendships. I was always friends with those who were okay with being surface-y, but not too deep. I often befriended those who moved to my town for a short time, then moved away again soon after. Those who didn't know where I came from. I look back and see so many missed opportunities - if I hadn't been so scared. I have reconnected with some, and I'm thankful for that, but I'll never get back those bonding moments that I just wasn't prepared for. There's one friendship that I don't have a second chance at because she was killed in a car accident my senior year. I started pulling away from her my junior year because I didn't trust her or her reasons for being my friend. It was my own insecurities that led to the demise of a great friendship. I couldn't have prevented her death, but I would have so many more memories of her if I hadn't mistrusted her.

College brought new friendships and new opportunities but I certainly failed at many of those too. I missed out on time with my girlfriends for time with Jeff (that was important, but my balance was way off). I still pushed people away so that they wouldn't get too close and see all of my faults, all of my inadequacies. Despite all my efforts to isolate myself, I still managed to come away with best friends who I am so grateful for. They won't give up on me even if I tried to push them away. They are family to me.

I pushed away boyfriends too. As soon as I thought that they might actually be interested, I would end things before I was rejected. I figured they would be the one to leave as soon as they discovered my secrets, or learned the truth about my life. I did this once in high school and granted it was high school, so it wouldn't have lasted anyway. I remember really liking a boy in college and he wanted me to meet his parents. I was so worried that they would see what he obviously hadn't seen yet and I would feel even worse because in my mind they would tell him to break up with me. Honestly one of the reasons, aside from love, that I married Jeff was because he knew all about me and my family and still loved me. After 10 years of marriage, I now know that I'm not the only one with a broken family and our similar background is probably one of the main reasons God brought us together.

Despite being wounded by my past and the actions of those I thought were friends, I am still taking risks with new friendships. I know I won't always be safe and I am much more guarded now than I used to be. But I believe that God calls us to fellowship - at the same time guarding our hearts and being wise about who we open up to. I just need to find that balance again so I don't shut people out who are meant to enrich my life. The walk today was refreshing and I shared a little bit more about my life - and I didn't have that sick feeling afterwards where I worry about if she thinks of me differently or whether the friendship will fizzle. She is a true one, a safe one. Actually, I see a lot more of that in my life now. Maybe it's because I'm learning to be vulnerable. I can't say that it's because I'm becoming more comfortable with my past, because I know that's not true - I'm still working on that in counseling. It's funny, someone once told me (yelled at me, actually), that I needed to go to counseling. I was already in counseling at the time, but I've needed much more since then, thankyouverymuch. I don't know if I'll ever get this life thing down on my own.

Another thing I'm thankful for when it comes to my current friendship situation, especially with how it affects our girls, is our House Group from church. It's a diverse group of men and women, some single, some married, some older than us, some in the same place, some just starting out. They come over every Wednesday night and M and JJ get so excited. I love having our house filled with laughter and noise and I can tell that they do too. It's redeeming to now have a home that I feel safe in and that my friends can come over and share life with us. Because of this, I hope our daughters will grow up with a different perspective on friendship and how important it is.

Things I Would Spend Money On If I Had Any

2011-09-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

1. A gas fireplace insert.
2. A new couch.
3. A plumber for our gutted bathroom upstairs so Jeff wouldn't have to do it himself.
4. An eliptical trainer.
5. Furniture for our enclosed porch - I like the brown wicker stuff from Pottery Barn.
6. A lot of things from Pottery Barn.
7. Fabric from the fabric store that I am in love with. Green with brown stripes - beautiful.
8. Elfa shelf system for the girls' playroom.
9. Lumber to build beds for the girls' room to look like many of the pictures I have saved on Pinterest.
10. A carpenter to do the work so that, once again, Jeff doesn't have to. Wait - Jeff won't be doing that anyway - he says we have to finish the bathroom before we do anything else. But I highly doubt the bed project will ever happen.
11. A vacation to somewhere warm.
12. New jeans.
13. Cozy sweaters.
14. Shoes that Morgan will actually wear.
15. A new garage door/opener.
16. Actually, just an entirely new garage.
17. A custom closet.
18. World peace. Saying that will help me win all of these things, right?

One foot in front of the other....

2011-09-19T08:17:00.000-07:00

That's a mantra I used to repeat to myself on my really long runs, usually 10 miles and up. Yesterday I was having to tell myself that on my 6-miler which is my current "long run". I've been a runner since jr. high, but I've recently been through a valley.

When I was in 9th grade, it was easy to find motivation to run. Getting out of my crazy house for some stress relief was reason #1. My parents lived really close the MKT trail (also known as the Katy Trail), so I would either run a few miles or bike to the next town and back. 10th grade I had a really cute boyfriend who only lived 4 miles away, so I would run to his house and sometimes if I wasn't up for the run home, he would drive me back. The duration of high school I ran cross country to keep in shape for soccer because I was a midfielder and we did a heckuva lot of running. There was a trailhead that was unknown to most that I would go to on my own just to run in the empty fields and by the creeks that wound throughout. Getting away from everything was my main goal and I loved that I was all by myself. I would go there in college too, but by then other people had discovered it. Jeff & I would go there a lot. He knew that if I was having a rough day, that's where I would be and he would come and find me out there sometimes. We had some of our best talks there. It was where he would propose to me years later. He knew it was a really special place for me. I haven't found somewhere here that brings me as much peace as that place.
I kept running in college. Still for stress relief, but mostly because that's what I did. It's who I was. I didn't feel right unless I had been running. I wasn't an every day runner, but I had my routines; my set days. I would go to my old high school to do speedwork/run bleachers and would run into my old coach sometimes. I think he was happy that I was still running but probably a little disappointed because it looked to him like I was more dedicated than I was while I was on his team. :) Jeff & I started to run together while we were in school and that's something I really miss doing with him. I know a lot of people who run with their kids in a jogging stroller, but M's capacity was about 2-3 miles and then she had a full meltdown. It doesn't do much for stress-relief to push a screaming kid while trying to run.
When we moved to Rockford for Jeff's job, we joined a running club called Road Crew. I loved it and I really miss it. It's another reason I love my M.O.THE.R running group so much. I had never run over 8 miles at this point and that was just in XC practice. We did hill work, speed work, tempo runs, etc. and became better runners. I was pretty good in my age bracket in local races and the Road Runners club I joined. I still have my 5K, 10K, 1/2, and full PR's from then in my head. Jeff & I trained for and ran the Chicago Marathon together. Then we moved back to St. Louis 2 weeks after that. We kept running, did another half marathon, but it wasn't the same without our group. And then I had M a year and a half later. While pregnant, I walked EVERY DAY with my friend Melinda. In rain, in snow, in negative temps. So I was in pretty good shape when she was born, but afterwards....running with a chest full of breastmilk HURTS. I did not envy my friends who had to deal with cup sizes bigger than a C their entire lives. I could see why many of them had breast reduction surgery. But I got through it and returned to normal size. I kept running but was not one of those women who gets better after having babies. We used to run in Rockford with a lady who would win races mere weeks after having a kid. We saw her name in Runner's World a few years back for winning the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. And she has 4 kids. How do they do it?! Natural talent and lots of babysitters.
When I got pregnant with JJ, I was busy chasing around M, but didn't get my running in. And I had to go to physical therapy for a twisted SI joint, so working out wasn't tops on priority list. So when JJ was a few months old and I thought I would just click out an easy 3-miles, my body said hell no. Many ortho visits ensued and the message was clear that my body wasn't what it used to be.
I finally started to get back into it and was doing pretty well when I was really hurt by someone I thought was my friend. I thought that I would turn to running again to deal with my stress and sadness, but the mind/body connection is a funny thing. The person that had hurt me had once told me that she starting running because she was inspired by me. Yeah, in a Single White Female sort of way. So I think I subconsciously chose to not be anything like that person. To not obsess over running, to not place my value in my physical appearance. I didn't want to find my identity in running, and I think I also wanted to punish myself by not taking care of my body. I would listen to the negative tape of messages in my head that told me I would never be the same. That was 2 years ago and I am still recovering. But now I am surrounded by amazing women who are real friends and who love me well. I have a great running group again. And I am getting my confidence back, running and otherwise, from that emotional blow.
I went for a long run yesterday. In the rain - one of my old favorites. When my mind started messing with me, I focused on "one foot in front of the other" and "running is just hard" - another mantra from years before. And the thought of a warm shower when I got home. And I made it - with no breaks. And I didn't let the negative voice compare the me now to the me then. 6 miles was a great accomplishment yesterday - I don't care if I used to do 10 miles every Sunday back when we were in Rockford. That was over 8 years ago. This is my new long run. And I want to erase those old PR's from my head so I don't compare, but only celebrate my new accomplishments. Next Saturday I'm doing 8 with two dear friends that are such an encouragement to me. After a long drought, I feel hope. For the first time in quite a long time, I feel like a runner again.

With Regrets

2011-09-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

I figured my kids could use a break from me scarring them for life through my blog. So today I'm focusing on my neurosis and the thoughts that are currently plaguing my mind.
I went on a solo run this morning without my M.O.THE.R group (Moms On the Run - yes I'm that desperate to quench my thirst for creativity that I created an acronym for me & my running friends), because I needed the time alone to think. And I like running in the dark because no one can see me struggle up hills. My head is swirling with thought - perhaps because I'm not writing it down? I need to put a pad of paper on the bedside table so I can fall asleep. Why is it that most of my important thinking comes in the few moments before my eyelids are supposed to shut?

Mainly I've been consumed with regrets. I know some people make ridiculous statements like: "Live life with no regrets!" or "I have no regrets". I don't trust those people. Maybe they really believe it, but to me that's like saying "I've never done anything wrong!" or "I've never made a mistake". We ALL screw up. It's human nature. So if you deny any fallibility, we just can't be friends. Because you're probably a sociopath.

I have plenty of regrets. Regrets about what kind of a friend I was growing up. Regrets about not standing up for myself, for being scared, for not going after what I really wanted. I place a lot of my energy on regrets about my career. I was never really encouraged to go into a certain degree program by my parents. I think they were just happy that my name wasn't in the arrest record of the local newspaper. So based on my own assumptions about myself, I chose to major in English. I loved to write, and my essay had just been chosen to be given as a commencement address at graduation so my confidence level was no longer in the red. I loved to read and could put down a book in a day. (I hadn't read any Henry James yet and he later became the exception.) 4 years of reading and writing were what I expected, and then it was time for graduation. What the hell was I going to do? I had actually thought about majoring in marketing or communcations when I started out, but I also that maybe my English degree would help me out in law school. For those who know me - can you even imagine me in Law School? I hate confrontation so the courtroom would be a slight problem. But I did thoroughly enjoy those fun logic puzzles that they have on the LSAT. Not enough reason to commit, I'm sure. I still had an interest in the advertising field and even though I wasn't one the prized J majors at my university, I decided that I wanted to work at an ad agency. The one I really wanted to work at had just won agency of the year, so I knew it was a longshot, but I went for it. As part of the interview process, after the inital face to face, I had to write a proposal for a interactive marketing campaign for a product currently on the market. I must have done a pretty good job, because I received another hash mark of confidence as I was hired with 4 others. I was told that over 400 applied so I was extremely amazed that they had chosen me.

And then I had a quarter-life crisis at 22. I questioned myself in my position, I had a team member that stripped me of my confidence medals, and I wondered if I belonged in the industry at all. So I thought that I would quit my awesome job and go back to school to get my Education degree. What?!. Clearly I am not cut out to be a teacher of anyone's child. I have a hard enough time with my own children. Thankfully, though it did not appear to be a good thing at the time, Jeff was laid off right after September 11th from his engineering job before I paid my first semester's tuition. I was pissed and I waited tables until I got another job in the account service field so that we wouldn't be homeless. On my first day at my new job, Jeff flew out for an interview. He'd had plenty of interviews so I wasn't too worried. Sorry, honey - we both know it was true. It was an amazing job with a highly respected company and while I knew that he could rock it, I also knew how many engineers were out there looking for jobs. And my first and only week at my new job was nice, as we moved to Illinois two weeks later.
The city we moved to was small and the unemployment rate there was the highest in the nation. Grand! Even with the firm that Jeff's company had hired to help assist me in my job search didn't have much luck. So I worked in a flower shop, then at a library, then I finally found a job at the American Red Cross. Again, I had to make a presentation in order to get hired, so am I crazy at this point to think I might be good at writing? The job required meeting with the businesses communtiy to help inform them about the services that the Red Cross could provide in the event of a disaster. I also helped plan their major yearly fundraising event. When I was interviewed, I made it clear that asking for money would be a deal-breaker and they assured me that I was off the hook.  A year later when that proved not to be true, I was on the road again.
Not wanting to waste my newfound free time, I decided to train for the Chicago Marathon. One the greatest experiences of my life. I'm glad I did it before kids because I still do not know how the hell all these moms I know are able to train for a full marathon with little ones in tow. I know that it has something to do with local and supportive grandparents and husbands and I just stop listening after that so that I don't punch them. (Of course I don't feel that way about any of MY running friends. :) ) Jeff & I were able to train together and that is probably one of my greatest memories with my him.
While training, I got a call from an agency that had seen my resume a year earlier but didn't have a need at the time. It was a great job with an amazing supervisor and the only small company that I have ever worked for. I loved it. And then Jeff & I began to talk about having children someday. With a crumbling educational system and terrible financial infrastructure, we thought it might be best to leave the city and head back to St. Louis. We had made great friends through our running club and I had just started a new job (of course), but we thought being close to family would make this baby-raising thing easier. Ha HA! I won't go into too many details because I don't want to start a war, but let's just say we were sorely mistaken.
We weren't ready quite yet to start a family, so I went to work at a publishing firm. I started out at the bottom since I was new to the editorial scene, but quickly gained favor with my boss and the rest of my team. I felt like I was getting my stride after 3 months. And then we were pregnant. Even though it was earlier than we expected, I was thrilled. I continued to work hard. I had a stellar review and was told that I would be promoted after maternity leave. But I still chose to stay home because that had always been the plan. The plan was propelled by several things: that's what most of the women in my church did, I thought I didn't make enough to cover day care and have it really make a difference, and I was TERRIFIED of having someone else watch my child. I had a pretty horrible experience as a child while being babysat and that's where my fear came from. This fear was the real reason why I was going to stay home. The other two were just fuel for the fire. I didn't see my decision to stay home then as a sacrifice to my career because my career was going to be a stay-at-home mom. I thought I would be happy. I thought that it would be where I belonged. But it wasn't.
I missed work. The yet-to-be diagnosed M wasn't the reason that I hated being at home. (Though it did add to the stress level of the already high stress of being a new mom.) I loved her. I poured every ounce of myself into her: reading, playing for hours in the dresser mirror in our bedroom, going on walks, playdates, and singing songs. Even if she hadn't been high maintenance because of her PDD-NOS, I think I still would have done the same things because I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted her to know that she was loved.
Sticking to The Plan, we had JJ two years later - another beautiful little girl who stole my heart. Even with colic, she was an easier baby than Morgan. The issues seemed to intensify and after a typical meltdown while we were at the pediatrician's office for one of JJ's check-ups, the doctor finally saw what I had been describing. Instead of the usual explanation of "she's just a high-maintenance kid", he referred us to a psychologist. She recommended school for her. At first only a few days a week, which we could barely afford, and then full-time. She said she needed consistent stimulation that I could not provide at home no matter how hard I tried. So I would have to go back to work to pay for it because she didn't need just daycare, she needed actual school at 3 years old. I don't think I would have come to that decision unless I was forced to. I was sad that I wouldn't have time at home just with JJ, but I couldn't stay at home because we wouldn't be able to afford tuition.
Once I was back at work, I felt normal for the first time in a long time. (And I found that there ARE loving and capable people to care for my children.) I remember how good I felt when I made my first editing catch. And I knew I didn't want to go back. I know some of my mom friends, or just moms in general reading this might be judging me, but I honestly don't care. I couldn't say that 6 years ago. Before you judge though, know this: things were better with Jeff, I enjoyed my children more, my children were thriving at school, especially Morgan who was finally officially diagnosed, and I was happier. And that job was my island during an especially rough time in our marriage. Then after two years it was suddenly over. The months that followed were focused on working through the IEP process for Morgan and picking her up from school at 3:30 every day - she had been kicked out of her after-care program. I actually really liked being there to pick her up (after the anger over not having a job anymore subsided), and being one the moms standing there waiting for their angels to stampede out the double doors. But there was still something missing. I felt like I did 2 years before. Only, I couldn't solve the problem with going back to work. Not until M had her IEP and the new after school program started. In March came the IEP. And as of August 17th, the new after school Adventure Club started, which is run by the paraprofessional that worked with M the entire year of kindergarten. I still miss work. I miss challenges and discussions. I miss accomplishment. I know I may sound ungrateful for the life I've been given, but I can't ignore my feelings. I'm not ungrateful, just uncertain about where I'm supposed to be. Last night Jeff & I were talking and I think the red thread that ties all of these emotions together is that I always thought my life would be different at this point. I always imagined having at least 3 or 4 kids, being the fun mom who loved to be at home and and also ran the household like a well-oiled machine.  I look around and that's not what I see. I still want a third child, but our circumstances seem overwhelming. And I worry that I can't handle it. I don't see myself as a stay-at-home mom anymore, even though it's the title I currently hold.  I always dreamed big growing up because it was the only thing that got me through all the chaos and now I feel like I have trouble dreaming at all.

I started this post over a week ago and still haven't published it (until today).  But writing for a few hours made me feel better. I could keep it to myself. Or maybe someone else feels the same way and needs to know they're not alone.

Sick and Wrong

2011-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

I don't think this picture even needs words, but I will say how terribly gross it is to dress your toddler in Baby Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie. Zulily needs to fire the copywriter who wrote the description of the collection, which consists of slutty rompers for 2-year-olds, because there is nothing classy about this look. Well, I guess they were just doing their job and covering for the no-taste buyer who wasted their company's money and reputation due to what I can only guess was not enough sleep or caffeine on said buying trip. And the sad look on the little girl's face screams "I want to wear appropriate clothing for my age!" I'd bet that her parents were just looking for a little extra cash to supplement their attempt at being on Toddlers & Tiaras. This outfit will hang in the closet next to daisy dukes with words splashed across the backside, midriff-baring tees with demeaning phrases, and other clothes that solicit to pedophiles.

Seriously. Anytime I question whether I'm messing my kids up, I will just refer back to this picture and any mother/daughter pageant/dance show on TLC.

Should I just be a feeder blog for SRMM?

2011-08-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I love this woman. Today's post really hit home because it's something I've been worried about for a long time with Morgan. Last year she was asked on a total of ZERO playdates. It was so sad the first time she saw one of her classmates going home with another. Being the rule-follower that she is, she was more upset by the fact that Susie was going home with Katie and her mommy and not her OWN mommy like she's supposed to than she was about being left out. I don't think she even understood the concept of a playdate. After explaining it, she said she wanted to have the twins in the class over for a playdate at our house and my anxiety set in. What if she just stopped playing with them and shut herself in her room? What if she had a meltdown? Only the first of those two happened and it went fairly well. Then we had Hallie over to play and again Morgan chose to do her own thing but H didn't seem too upset about it. I keep telling myself that it's only because it was the end of the year that there was no reciprocity, but the lack of invites for the first 8 months of school still broke my heart.
I know we're only in our second full week of school, but I'm already aware that Morgan is viewed differently by the other girls. I can't blame them after the screaming and crying scene the first week at drop-off. And I don't see any other 1st graders carrying their stuffed animals in a mini travel carrier every day. (Today: Snowflake the cat. Yesterday: Sealy the seal. At least she's not pushing them in the baby stroller this year.) I know the looks will increase once the weather cools off and she's still refusing to wear tennis shoes - only flip flops.
I know she's capable of making friends - thank goodness for Summer Adventure where she met her best friend Lennon. It was amazing how well they clicked. And he is an exceptional kid. His mom also ROCKS and has become a dear friend of mine too. But Lennon goes to a different school and he's a boy. There's nothing wrong with having a best friend that's a boy, but a girl needs girlfriends. Her primary activity at recess is being chased by the boys - and I've been informed by one of their moms that they can NEVER catch her (SO PROUD) - which doesn't bother me either because I did the same thing at recess when I was her age, but I was running with other girls. Not by myself. When you ask who her friends are she mentions girl names too, but I don't think the feelings are mutual. If they were, they would have had a playdate together already since they were in the same kindergarten class last year.
As I'm writing, I realize that all of these deficiencies are Asperger's related but that doesn't stop me from being sad. If anything, it makes me grieve more the loss of her not experiencing the same kind of friendships that I had. Granted, I have had my own issues with friendship and how to be a good friend/have a good friend. I've actually thought about writing on that subject but first need to figure out some really creative alternate names for people I want to ~~exploit~~ discuss.
That's not to say that I'm not at fault for most of my friendship fails. Jeff & I both come from homes where our parents didn't really have anyone over. Seeing my parents with friends now is weird to me - though I'm really thankful that they are socializing more because they need good friends. We never learned how to be friends from our parents. We're not even close with our siblings. There's a lot more reasons for that, but I really believe that parents need to foster that in their children. We try SO hard to teach JJ & M to encourage each other, love each other, and rely on each other because they are the only the sibling that they will ever have ~~thanks to a need-to-be-scheduled trip to the urologist~~ and they are going to be friends for life. This is usually in the middle of a mini-war between them, so the response we usually get is eye-rolling or more screaming.
I'm thinking about writing a letter to the moms of Morgan's Girl Scout troop to help the other kids see that she's really awesome, just limited in her social abilities. I got the idea, of course, from the comment section of the post referred to above. I'll have to look at the video she mentions to see if it's something I should pass along. And I would probably have to direct them to this post too. I need all the help I can get.

Morgan & Lennon this Summer

Who wouldn't want to be friends with this cutie? :)

***I really wasn't fishing for playdates with this post, but I am thankful for my 3 sweet friends who offered. I'll take all of you up on it!***

Thankful....

2011-08-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

...that M's teachers love her and really get her.
...that after a bad first day in music class (it was too loud), that they are excusing her from that and she'll go to art class instead. And after Friday's screaming and trying to run out the door after me, that 1.There were teachers strong enough to hold her back and 2.That there is a new plan in place for drop-off and the last two days have been great.
...that so far they have let her wear flipflops to school every day.
...that she enjoys Adventure Club after school.
...that JJ likes her new classroom at Pre-K and has friends.
...that I have friends who want to help (even if I don't know how to ask)
...that God loves me and forgives me daily. Every second, really. That's how often I need it.
...that even though I feel lost and I don't know where I should be, that my husband loves me.
..." " that my kids love me.
...that we have a home, even though it's a mess and it's not very big, but it's ours.
...that it's going to be Fall soon.
...that I'm running again without pain.
...that I know what I'm fixing for dinner tonight and it's only 2:30.

Posts to Come

2011-08-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

So yesterday's post was kind of surfacey, not very deep or what I have been thinking about writing lately. I have several posts that I've written in my head, but then I self-edit and they never end up here. There is a lot on my heart and in my head that are stirring my emotions, but I'm afraid of laying it all out there, perhaps making someone angry, possibly being rejected. I've been self-editing my whole life. Always worried of truly exposing myself, being the people-pleaser, facing the disapproval and thoughts of others. But my thoughts are always filled with these things and isn't the point of blogging to get it out of your head? So maybe I'll risk and write what I really want to write.

Jeff's out of town on a business trip to Chicago - I hate it when he goes on business trips. This time he asked me to go with him, but we couldn't find a babysitter. I was so excited about the possibility since it's been 3 years since we had an overnight without the kids. And that was my 30th birthday in Chicago. The first night away I'd had from the girls. We fought a lot that weekend because there were things going on under the surface that we hadn't broken yet. It was a couple of weeks later that we started our 3 years of marriage counseling. So if you do the math, I've been away with my husband just once since having kids 6 years ago. I think we're overdue.

3 great rugs I bought today on MAJOR clearance

2011-08-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

An upholstery store nearby was having their floor sample sale so I went in just to see what they had. Our couch is almost 10 years old and it looks 20 after having juice spilled on it, baby mishaps, muddy shoes from the kiddos, you name it. We were told by a cleaning company that they didn't want to take our money because it might not look much different after they worked on it. Of course, when I went in, everything I loved were the only couches NOT on sale. But I did find 3 Dash & Albert gems - I LOVE this rug company. I'm still kicking myself (seriously I might lose sleep over it), for not buying the runner that matched the slate blue moorish tile 2x3. On sale for $15 - selling right now all over the interwebs for $190 and no less. :( Oh well, it's mate was $10 and it will serve a purpose until I find a more fitting rug for our kitchen. I passed on it because we already have a rug for our entryway and it's not long enough for a runner. But when I was working in the kitchen today I realized that I could have put the runner against the longer wall of cabinets and put the smaller one on the other side so my work spaces would be cushioned. I had always envisioned a bigger rug for the middle of the floor but realize that the option I just described would be much better. I called back and of course it had been sold. The sale opened today and they had a line outside the door at 8:30. We had breakfast at Bread Co. and then went to Target to buy school supplies. Oh well. Here are the beauties:

For the back door.

In front of the kitchen sink.

The landing upstairs. (This one is beautiful and the picture doesn't do it justice. Also the pink lego box and legos scattered everywhere kind of clash. But the gold in the rug matches the wall color perfectly.)

Price for all 3 rugs: $55. Retail value: a whole lot more.

But I still can't get that rug runner out of my head. :)

******************

This morning:

So I've gotten over the runner thing (almost), but this morning I'm regretting my purchase of the rug upstairs. The gold is a perfect match, but the other colors just don't sing to me. So it might be heading to Craigslist soon. :)

2011-06-27T04:50:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a quick run - my running partners knew what I didn't, a second huge storm is about to sweep through St. Louis. No wonder they stayed at home. Next time I'll check the weather.

Quick update:

The summer with the kiddos has been good so far, but not without it's bumps in the road. Morgan lasted only a couple of days at art camp before they told us that they couldn't accomodate her special needs. Thankfully, I talked to the director at the summer program at her school and she can start there today. I hope that the money is refunded to the Special Education Foundation and that they can transfer it over to the new camp because our funds are low.

Jeff just got out of the shower so I'm going to hurry and take one before the storm hits!

Can't Sleep

2011-06-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

My mind is racing with lots of things and I can't seem to settle down. If it wasn't crazy, I would go for a run outside right now. I spent a majority of the night looking through baby pictures of the girls. Happy and sad. Things were so messy in my life when they were babies. Not that they aren't now - just a better mess.

Jeff let me take a nap today because I wasn't feeling good this morning, but maybe I slept a little too long. I must have needed it though because even the loud banging noises from the bathroom being demo'd didn't bother me. JJ did visit me a few times and woke me up with an accidental whack to the head. :)

There have been tons of things that I've wanted to blog about since my last post, but our Summer is off and running. I'm working part-time, we're still renovating the house, and life in general is full-speed ahead. Here are the things I WOULD HAVE blogged about if I'd found the time:

Our Awesome 10th Anniversary Dinner (made perfect by a surprise violin serenade from a 1st chair of the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra)
Mom-Guilt (what's new?)
Running (so thankful for my M.O.THE.R. running group!)
Our house projects
Summer weekend plans
Books I'm reading
My Facebook dilemma (Should I Stay or Should I Go?)

Well, 4 am is sneaking up on me and the girls will be awake in a coupe hours. Maybe I should try again.

One Liners

2011-05-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted from this morning's events and it's only 10:15.

Drop-off was pretty horrible for M this morning.

Her routine had a glitch and it set her off.

I had to literally run away while a teacher held her and she screamed.

Then I ran into a friend while I walking home and the tears I had been holding in started to pour out.

I'm so thankful for that talk - I needed to cry because I don't do it enough.

I have a list of things to do and I don't know if I'll get them all done.

I feel like anyone else would have already completed at least 3 things, but I am a mess.

I am excited for the Women's Retreat with my church that starts today.

I still need to pack.

Looking back at JJ's baby pictures makes me sad because I wish I had done things differently.

I was so burnt out from giving 150% to M that I wasn't even giving 100% to JJ.

The colic didn't help.

I'm picking JJ up early today so we can have some quality time together - I don't need more regrets.

On the agenda: donating toys to Shriner's hospital and painting nails.

I hope M isn't screaming at school anymore and that her day has turned around.

I wish I hadn't missed my run this morning because my cough/cold doesn't feel that bad right now.

I love my running group.

I'm listening to DMB "Grace is Gone" - one of the best songs to listen to when I'm sad.

Now I need to listen to Glee Cast's "Raise Your Glass" to cheer me up and get me going.

I need to get on to that list.

Braids make everything better

2011-05-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

As it is the Murphy's Law of my life, I am extremely motivated today and don't even want to sit for a second - and I have to pick up M early to take her to the neurologist. Don't get me wrong, this appointment is something that I want to do also, but I am really enjoying organizing and listening to Ben Harper and Big Head Todd & The Monsters (next to each other alphabetically in our iTunes), at a high volume in my house, all by myself. I have nervous tummy today because of the appt. though. I just wish I could hang out in his office for hours and ask the tons of questions that we have. It just seems to go by so fast and then I leave wishing that I had asked more questions. Jeff can't be there today because the important people that work for the company that he's been working on a project for for the past year & a half just happened to choose this week to come and visit. And since their project is the sole reason that he was hired in the first place, he kind of has to stay at the office. Bummer. We've never been to the neuro doc without the other. But, because he rocks, he wrote out two pages of notes/questions for me to take with me.

I hope the rest of the day is a good indication of how the afternoon will go. M let me braid her hair this morning - that almost never happens. We were early getting ready so I took her to Bread Co. for a bagel - I really needed a vanilla latte so this was great too. She was being so sweet. She did hop around and pretend to be a leopard, but we got smiles instead of evil stares. Probably because she had cute braids.

Drop-off went well too, and I even stopped by for lunch and hung out on the playground for a while before heading back to home to continue my cleaning and jam session. Why can't all days be this awesome? *I might be jinxing myself by saying that....the day isn't over yet.

Momma said knock you out...

2011-05-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

This morning started cheerfully as we had Muffins with Mom at JJ's school. Miss M had to come along because Jeff had to be at work. For an hour, all seemed right with the world as I sat with my two little ones and ate muffins, read them The Three Billy Goats Gruff and Rumplestilzkin, and looked at the green beans and peas that they are growing. And then I took M to school and that picture of bliss was shattered.

M still has severe separation anxiety, even though she is 6 and she has been going to kindergarten for 9 months now. She kept attempting to follow me as I left, and her para wasn't at the classroom yet to help me restrain her. In a change of events, instead of racing after me as I try to leave as she usually does, she made a run for the front door of the school. She was halfway out when I wrapped my arms around her to prevent escape. I felt something sharp on my hand and then I noticed the blood. Yes, another proud moment as a mother - I knocked my little girl's front tooth out. Yes, it was already loose for awhile but the skull-splitting screams and amount of blood, combined with people staring, made me feel like crap. And I was looking forward to having lunch with her tomorrow, but that was a consequence that I said would be taken away if she didn't have a good drop-off. That and no scooter today or tomorrow. Which also sucks for me because that is the only way to get her to school on time. If we walk, she stops at every blade of grass to see if there are signs of insect life. Or jumps in every single puddle. Or just stands there, looking at the sky.

It's only 9:45 and I want to go back to bed and start over.

Hopeful

2011-04-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

This is what the girls were singing this morning on the way to school:

"Jesus is better than Easter eggs! And God is the best person in the world!"

At least some things are sinking in.

A follow-up to Sunday

2011-04-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

After my rough day on Sunday, Jeff decided to catch up on my last month or two of posts. I asked him what he thought of my post and he said "I don't really check your blog much because you don't post that often". True. But I'm trying to be better at it. So, he read it later and after showering me with praise for being a literary blog genius (hardly) - he said he was worried about protecting our kids. He knows that I need an outlet so I don't go crazy with the stress (too late), but he wishes he could be there right next to people who are reading the posts so he can stand up for our kids because they are pretty. freaking. awesome. For instance, if people think things like, "why don't you try a special diet?", or "maybe you need to discipline her better", or "she seems totally fine to me all the times I've spent a mere 30 minutes around her", he can then puff up his chest and prepare to kick some a** to defend our babies like a crazed duck at Tilles Park. (I used to be scared to take M there because they were really violent when they had ducklings.) He doesn't want people to judge her (& JJ) because they are incredible people. Truly amazing individuals. And while I might get frustrated with them and ~~some~~ most days I think to myself "we are DEFINITELY done having children", I love them more than anything else in this world. There is nothing "wrong" with them. They are both unique and have different strengths and abilities. M might have a diagnosis on the Autism spectrum, but she is insanely talented in her artwork and super creative and also very loving. JJ might be a drama queen, but she is the funniest kid, loves her friends, and always surprises us. I understand Jeff wanting to shake people who think something totally different to that effect. I love how he loves and protects our girls. But I hope that those who read my blog will be reading because they get it. Because if you don't, then you really shouldn't waste your time reading my blog anyways.

But you should check out this blog:

I just found her the other day through my friend Katie (thank you!). Today's post is wonderful. And the other day when she had a Top Ten of what you shouldn't say to a parent whose child is on the spectrum. We need more moms (and non-moms!) out there who don't judge. Isn't there some unwritten code of womanhood that we look out for each other? Well, there should be. I have unfortunately been the subject of a woman's ignorance to the code and it just plain sucks.

Tonight we have a fun dinner with our house group from church and the girls are invited. I love the people who are hosting. I love our whole house group, actually. I am really thankful for them. I'm thankful for everyone at our church - there are some beautiful women there (and I'm talking about what's on the inside. That's what counts anyways.), who encourage me and love me regardless of anything.

Rough Day

2011-04-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm having a rough day today. I should be enjoying a day with my girls while Jeff is fishing, but nothing has been going right. I didn't get to go to church - which I desperately need because I've worked in the nursery two weeks straight and I need to be spiritually fed - because after I dropped off the girls in their classrooms, I heard screaming from the hallway outside the auditorium. I had a feeling it was my kid. And it was. I attempted to get her back in her classroom and I was able to listen to the sermon for about 5 minutes before the teacher came and got me. So we left. And JJ wouldn't take a nap today no matter how hard I tried. And she NEEDS it because she had her birthday party yesterday and she's coming off of a sugar high so she's really cranky. I need to think of something for the next 8 hours until my wonderful husband returns home so I don't feel like I'm giving up on motherhood today and my girls feel loved. It's HARD right now. I wanted to cry in church because everyone was looking at me and none of them understand. At least I didn't break down crying like I did last month at Party City when M pulled all of the balloons out of the bins and spread them all over the floor and the snotty moms gave me dirty looks and muttered to themselves that "she should really clean that up". I love the people at my church so I didn't feel exactly the same as the Party City day when I wanted to shout: "JUST BUY YOUR CRAPPY JUSTIN BIEBER BALLOONS AND GO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A KID WITH AUTISM!"

Peace and Quiet

2011-03-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

It's 4 o'clock in the morning and no one else is up in the house but me. It's kind of nice being in the peace and quiet - it doesn't happen often. I fell asleep putting the girls to bed (again), and J swears he came in and tried to wake me up. I vaguely remember this.

I realize it's been three weeks since I last blogged - we have been so busy. We had our meeting with the care team who evaluated M to discuss her IEP eligibility and without a doubt she qualifies. So her official IEP will be written on March 31st. Wow. It's been 3 years since we first started down this road and it feels so good to finally have an answer. There are many more things that I still don't have an answer for, but at least having one is something. The meeting was good - I love her school. I was composed and tear-free when they were talking about the test results (most of it we already knew and it was consistent with Asperger's), but when the lady from SSD (Special School District for those not in St. Louis), said the thing that impressed her most was what the school was doing for her already without an IEP that they aren't even required to do. Even though we I already knew this too, I started crying. It's true - they have been unbelievable in finding ways to help M. And we know that they love her, and not just because they tell us. Ever since December, after her suspension (I can't remember if I blogged about that, but probably not), she hasn't had any more incidents. Just to be clear - the suspension was more about giving the school a couple days to put an emergency schedule in place for M. A few people I talked to were shocked that they suspended a kindergartner, but the environment was just too chaotic for her. She spends time one-on-one with different teachers throughout the day and then she's in the classroom with an aid a few times too. As soon as the IEP is in place, she'll have occupational therapy at school too. And she's starting to work on reports and projects with the REACH teacher individually. I think she's doing something on horses. Have I said how much I love her school?

What else have I been up to? I went to visit one of my best friends in NC, which was a gift from J - it was wonderful. So good to see her since it had been 2 years and because it actually felt like Spring there, which I can't say for St. Louis. Snow. Seriously. I am SO sick of snow. We're supposed to get more this weekend.

M's birthday party was last weekend and it was so fun to have lots of gigging girls at our house. She wanted to have stations with different activities so we had necklace making at one, fake tattoos at another, and decorating a little canister that later became their goody bag. I will post pictures in another post because I just don't want to mess with it right now. J and I stayed up very late making her cake. She requested a laptop cake. Mostly because she asked for a laptop for her birthday and because we told her we couldn't do that, she opted for a cake that looks like one. That will be the last 3-dimensional cake I ever make. And I think that fondant is like drywall - a professional should be hired. Except my husband rocks at drywall - it just takes forever. But we both failed at fondant. He was more successful than I was, but it was still 4 a.m. before we went to bed last Friday night. And we started making the cake on Wednesday night by cutting out the keyboard. Thursday we baked and Friday we decorated. I'll post pictures next time - I'm too tired.

Speaking of being exhausted after not getting enough sleep, I think I should go crawl into bed. Goodnight.

Out of the dark

2011-02-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

We lost power last night and had to hang out in the basement during a rough storm last night. Miss M educated me on all facts surrounding lightning while we rocked in the glider and JJ slept on her crib mattress. So glad that we haven't gotten rid of those things yet! And today JJ FINALLY went back to school after being home sick for over a week with strep. I'm on meds too - because JJ likes to give mouth kisses when you least expect it. I'm exhausted after a week at home with her and I'm reminded of how awesome stay-at-home moms are. She fought hard to stay home and showed up at her classroom in only her nightgown, no shoes, no socks, no coat. And it is just 40 degrees here today. That's how she rolls. Which might be why her immune system was compromised in the first place.

Chicago weekend

2011-02-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

I had a great trip to Chicago this weekend with my friends. So great that there are really no pictures to post! I do have two that we attempted to take at breakfast yesterday (in the mirror) so here's all I've got:

We ate amazing food all weekend: M's House, Nookies, a great Mediterranean grill in Lincoln Square, dinner at DaVanti Enoteca and breakfast at The Breakfast Club. And of course we finished it off with a trip to Ikea. My friend M has lived in Chicago for at least 7 years and has never been there! She got some great stuff too - especially the stool for her kitchen counter. I got some drapes for our guest room and some fun play food for the girls. A got some baby shower gifts, and a play rug and table & chairs set for her little guy.

We didn't have time to watch "Pretty in Pink" that M rented for us, but we got to meet her wonderful neighbors and friends and A and I had over 10 hours of interrupted talk time - AMAZING!

And J was great with the girls back at home. There was another haircut incident, but it only involved stuffed animals and dolls this time. They raked leaves, picked up gumballs in the yard, went out for ice cream, watched movies, went to Lowe's, etc. Sounds like we all had a good time.

Last night we took the girls to the Magic House (St. Louis Children's Museum), and the girls had such a great time. We usually split up and each follow one girl because they're interested in completely opposite things. So here's a few poorly taken pictures of JJ playing in the construction zone and in the Legislative Branch of government:

It started Thursday morning....

2011-02-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

....at 5:45, Miss M crawled in bed with me while Jeff was in the shower. JJ showed up a minute later on the other side of me. Then M said she didn't feel good and threw up all over Jeff's pillow and the sheets. It smelled so nasty - unlike any other puke that she has spewed. I scooped up all of the chunks - seriously, it looked like her tummy hadn't digested any of dinner from the night before - and Jeff took the sheets downstairs straight into the washer. Usually Thursdays are just me and JJ, but it was three's company now that M was sick. After Jeff left for work, I hopped in the shower. When I got downstairs, the girls were watching TV and there was raisin bran ALL OVER THE RUG. So I got out the vacuum. Since M is afraid of the vacuum - still at 5 years old - the two of them went upstairs. M came down before I started and asked if she could empty the dress-up bin (plastic Rubbermaid bin) and pretend that it was Fruitsnack's tank. (Fruitsnack is her pet alligator [plastic].) I said okay, as long as no water went inside of the bin.

So I vacuum for about 10 minutes and then head upstairs to check on them. This is what I find:

They emptied all of the soap into the bin, climbed in with Fruitsnack - and Ariel - and the suds are overflowing onto the floor. I put them both in the shower to get all of the soap off and while I'm scooping out water of the tub, my iPhone drops out of my kangaroo pouch of my sweatshirt and into the soapy water below. I've had enough friends do this that I know a bag of rice is my best chance of immediate repair.

At this point, I'm already about to lose my cool because in case you haven't been watching the news, the state of Missouri was covered in snow for the last month and we haven't been out of the house much.

I need to do some laundry and check on the throw up sheets, so I get some washable markers and poster board for the girls and encourage them to make fun, brightly colored posters for our house. Of course, my kids are brilliant and don't limit themselves with paper, so when I come upstairs from the basement, they have decided that their hands and feet make better canvasses:

Oh, look! They match her dress!

They have been walking around with their "artwork" so there is marker on the rug, on the couch, on the wood floor - EVERYWHERE! I get a washcloth and wipe down their hands and feet.

After this, I resort to turning on the TV so I can clean up the rest of the mess. My kids don't really watch TV if I want them to, so they want to play with something else. I've had the playdoh hidden away for quite some time, but because it's freezing outside and markers are already out of the question, I figured I'd let them play with it at the kitchen table. I am out of the room for less than 5 minutes - how dare I use the bathroom or run upstairs to put clean sheets on the bed! - and I return to them making "recipes" with the playdoh, which means that they are mixing water into it. Yuck & disgusting. Playdoh & water do not mix well. I start yelling at this point and I throw away all playdoh and swear that we will never get more. I put all the playdoh toys in the Goodwill bag.

Then Miss M vomits again, this time making it to the bathroom, but I feel so awful for her as she shakes and quivers from being so sick. She still hasn't eaten anything so she's dry heaving and crying and just a mess. I feel sorry for her and she's been begging me for days to paint her face because the face painting from Sunday school had to be washed off only hours later and I told her I would paint it again sometime this week. I go into the kitchen to clean up the brushes. It's too quiet, so I go back into the living room. I guess it's my fault for painting her face like a cat: cats like to climb on windowsills.

The two little kittens

I wish I hadn't painted her face before she started climbing because this picture would have been an awesome framer. I will probably still frame it because she's some sort of animal most days anyway.

Later on in the day, JJ finds some safety scissors and cuts a hole in M's favorite pants, while she's wearing them. This is upsetting anyways, but also because my girls don't have but 3 pairs of pants between them that they are actually willing to wear. At least they were from Target on clearance instead of the ones from miniBoden. But M is all kinds of upset about it so I put J in time out. The rest of the day is full of screaming, fighting, JJ telling me she wouldn't love me anymore if I didn't give her a Hershey kiss, etc. And you wouldn't have believed I had a sick kid if it weren't for the lingering smell of puke and the stains on my sheets. M was fine the rest of the day and it appeared to be just a one day stomach bug because there was never a fever and no throw-up past noon. By the time Jeff got home I was exhausted. I literally fell on the couch and couldn't move. I was SO looking forward to both of them being in school the next day.....

Until the next morning when I went out to start the car and NOTHING. I cursed in my car and had a mini-meltdown and called Jeff to tell him that I was going to lose my mind. I couldn't even get the keys out of the ignition and the sliding door wouldn't close (it had started to open when I pushed the button on the way out the front door, but had stopped, slightly ajar), so this constant, annoying beep rang in my ears. I took the girls back inside, called AAA and waited an hour for him to arrive. I could have walked M to school during this time, but I didn't want to miss them coming to jump start my car (this is all I thought it might need), so we waited around. Once he got there and popped open my hood, he told me I might want to take the girls inside because there was an animal in my car. M is an animal lover and the AAA guy and I thought that it might have been injured and stuck while I was driving and it might be gross when he pulled it out. Not the case. The *#&@^$ rabbit was still alive, uninjured and had happily chewed through all of my wires. Not just in one place, MULTIPLE places. He had a whole day of my car not moving due to M being sick. And it has been insanely cold, so my car was the perfect place to keep warm. And apparently in their efforts to be more "green" cars have wires that are coated in soy. I wonder if they thought about the fact that animals would find that tasty. I would have taken a picture of the rabbit, but my iPhone is dead.

So we are going on the 6th day of minivan being in the shop. If it weren't for my wonderful neighbor, Kim, letting me borrow her sweet Infiniti SUV that day to take JJ to school almost 4 hours late, I would have had to call someone to fill in for me while I ran away. And yesterday my amazing friend, Gail, picked up JJ and I to take us to our church playgroup and then my sweet friend Maddie let me borrow her car -which was honestly my dream car for the longest time. I love you more than ever, Volvo station wagon. And the heated seats have been nice - except it's not freezing anymore. It's supposed to be 68 degrees tomorrow - hallelujah! We're heading to the park tomorrow if JJ doesn't have another drama presentation like she did this morning. That girl is going to be a great actress someday.

Feeling stuck

2011-02-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

Today I had really high hopes of accomplishing major things:

Cleaning my entire house
Removing the glue from the walls in the guest bedroom to prepare for painting
Clean up my grandfather's tool carrier so I can paint it and put plants in it
Call the unemployment office to ask why I'm not getting any $ from them even though I filed in December
Find a way to make $100 more each month
Read more of the Asperger's book
Do one nice thing for myself (kind of a goal I've tried this year for every day - it doesn't always happen)
Blog
Get dinner started
Yoga or Running
Find hooks for front hallway for the girls' backpacks and coats
Get together a bunch of stuff for Goodwill
Laundry

So I only have 20 minutes until I pick up M from school and I have only accomplished Blog, get dinner started (which really means that I've just set the chicken out to thaw), called the unemployment office (they gave me an email to write to but didn't tell me what I'm supposed to be writing about and then hung up), and cleaning up my grandfather's tool carrier - which took up my whole day because it's completely caked in mud and oil.

And I watched Marley & Me while doing that so it wasn't as painful. Now it's drying out on the table so I can sand it later. I think I'm going to paint it an off white, similar to what it looks like it was originally painted. It's been sitting in our basement of all of our 3 houses for some time so I really wanted to finish it. Although, I don't think my husband will be very impressed that cleaning a family heirloom took hours and hours of my time. And honestly, I'm kind of wishing I had done the yoga this morning first thing. I could see if M wants to join me when she gets home, but I remember trying that before and she didn't stay interested too long. I'm just in a rut, feeling stuck, whatever you want to call it. And watching Marley & Me has made me even more of an emotional mess.

New Year, New Posts

2011-01-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

One of my resolutions this year is to actually post on this blog. In order to do that, I think I'm going to use this blog for less of a "look what craft I made" blog and more of a "my daughter has Asperger's and our life is crazy and hectic and overwhelming" blog. I need an outlet for all of the stuff we are dealing with. So it may not be as enjoyable to read about, but hopefully it will help me with my stress and frustration throughout the year. Which is part of my bigger resolution: to be less stressed by taking care of myself. Which will hopefully result in our family being less stressed. The first step was to become a stay-at-home mom again, even though I didn't see that as part of the plan - but God did. I think I will look for something part time eventually, but only something that allows me to pick up M right after school since she can no longer attend after-care. (I'll cover that later.)
Don't worry, I'll still post house renovation pictures. That's part of the less-stressed me as well: getting our house finished!
I'll leave you with pictures from our Fall shoot with my friend, Erin, and some of the new kitchen in progress.
Happy New Year!

We still have to finish the cabinets with crown moulding and replace the framing around the windows, install the faucet and appliances, and pick hardware, but it's beautiful already!

The trash can is where the stove will be

I love the new quartz countertops and wood floor

Jeff shaped the opening to match the original ones in the rest of the house. I love how open it is without the wall there and with the light that the new door (once a window) lets in. The dining room will be painted the same color as the kitchen. Not sure about what color to paint the living room, entryway, and the rest of the house, but I am open to suggestions! The paint color in the kitchen is Fallow & Ball's Dauphine.

Just a reminder of what it looked like when we moved in:

And the pictures of our family:

More to come soon....:)

I love it when my girls talk

2010-11-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

Morgan: Mommy, I love you past the moon. All the way past Pluto.

Morgan again: Is the sun a planet?

Jensen: No, it's a star. (I can't believe she knew that!)

Morgan: And there's lots and lots of gas in the sun.

Jensen (totally serious voice): Yeah, and it needs to be filled up with new gas at the gas station.

So precious.

A Re-entry into blogging: Cute Teacher Gifts

2010-10-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

I made these for M and J's end-of-year teacher gifts this year. Of course they were delivered in October, not August. Because my life is crazy. I really need to simplify and cut a lot of things out, but I have issues about quitting things and saying no. There could be a more detailed post about that some other time.
They are glass canisters filled with bubble gum, with a red & white (school colors) ribbon and a cute little "gum-related" saying on the top of each jar. I used a hole-punch and scrapbooking tape to stick them to the lid. And they looked so pretty in my vintage Pepsi crate from Roots in Maplewood (one of my favorite finds and only $4!).

Okay, so this isn't the best post ever, but I needed something not-so-intimidating to write about so that I would actually sit at the computer and knock something out in the 5 minutes I had tonight. :) I have lots of home renovation updates to help me catch up from my lapse in posting.

And Halloween is only 5 days away! My little cuties are going to be adorable and I'll take lots of pictures.

The Girls Room - in progress...

2010-07-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

We are s-l-o-w-l-y getting this house in order. The other night we knocked a few things out in the girls' room.

The chandelier was hung a few weeks ago - we bought it for 70% off at a lighting store that was going out of business. The name sign was at the old house too - my friend Erin painted them for both the girls. We hung the drapes, and her cross from Aunt Sarah, and her M from Julie, which are all also left over from the old house.

I feel bad that we don't have bedding for JJ yet. She moved to a big girl bed right after the move and I can't find the same bedding as M's anywhere. It's from PB Kids a couple of seasons ago and I got a great deal on it then. I'm sure in a few years she'll want something else, so maybe I should just get something versatile for JJ. And the wallpaper was already up - we are planning on taking it down and painting eventually, but this room can actually work right now and the rest of the house is so much worse off.

I need to change out the artwork since what's in there right now is from awhile ago, but I'm just glad they have something on the wall in their room. M's painting is on the right of course - they both started out with orange pieces of paper but M covers every inch of space when she paints. She actually has her own unique style - I'll have to do a post on that sometime!

4th of July & Haircut Tragedy

2010-07-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

I will make this post quick because I don't know how much time I will have until JJ wakes up from her nap. The poor little sweetheart has a croup virus and I am hoping that the steroids they gave her today will help her sleep tonight (and in turn will help me sleep tonight too).

We had a great 4th this year with all of our friends. I love the traditions we have started with our friends. First we went to breakfast with the Ewings at First Watch (LOVE), then we walked down the street to watch the Webster Groves parade. We ran into a lot of people we knew - The Martins, and my cute friend Jessica and her little boy (and her little girl on the way) - which makes me so happy. And seeing the Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales without the InBev logo anywhere makes me happy too. Then at night we went to the Hill's house (a new tradition started this year!), and then to watch fireworks with the Nevil's.

I'm really glad that we have taken a lot of pictures of JJ the last few weeks because I will be able to look at them and remember what she used to look like. Before she took the safety scissors and gave herself an Appalacian haircut.

Luckily, my friend Greta's mom, Gail, was able to make the haircut cute and it will eventually grow back so that I can braid it again. :( JJ went pretty high up in some places in the front and the back, so it's amazing that Gail was able to make it this cute. She cried when she finally saw herself in the mirror. I don't think she realized how permanent her decision was going to be. That night she told Jeff that she didn't feel like JJ anymore.

She's still our little princess.

Late for Work

2010-07-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I should be at work right now, but I came back by home to grab some oatmeal and keep looking for my lost anniversary ring. It's what I wear instead of my wedding band and engagement ring.

I thought I would sneak in a quick post linking to my sweet friend Erin's blog that shows a picture of JJ pre-haircut. JJ found the scissors on Saturday afternoon and gave herself a bob. My friend Sarah says she looks like Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but she still looks like a girl. I'll post pictures tonight, along with our fun 4th of July festivities!

And a shout out to my BFF Sarah who just found out yesterday that they are having a BOY!!!

We moved and I made a dress!

2010-05-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

This is a really quick post because I am exhausted and I am going to watch Parenthood with Jeff - it's our new favorite show. But I wanted to give you a sneak peek to what I will be blogging about for a solid year at least - our new home renovation! We bought a 1930's Saltbox (or maybe it's a Colonial?), AS-IS on the cutest.street.ever. Don't be scared off by the wallpaper that looks like it's from Miss Kitty's Saloon. Or the pink tile in the bathrooms. Or the strawberry patch kitchen with red gingham drapes. I have a vision. I wish I had the bank account to go with it though. It will be a long process but it will be so neat to see it change! I have always wanted to renovate an older home! And I love our cute street and our new city.

The other picture is of a dress I made at my friend Sara's house the other night. This one is for Miss M and I have more fabric to make another one for JJ. JJ's dress might not look as cute because this one was half me and more than half Sara. She is an AMAZING seamstress and all-around craft genius. You should see the quilt she made for her kids teacher! I had a great time the other night, but it was almost midnight and my thread kept breaking while trying to do my ruffle so she finished it for me.

Now it's off to watch Parenthood!

My day in numbers

2010-04-07T21:12:00.001-07:00

2 - sweet little girls that I dropped off at school
4 - times I wanted to eat chocolate before 10 a.m.
1 - frustrating day at work
270 - the highway that was backed up all the way to Hwy 40 at 3 p.m.
45 - minutes late to my daughter's doctor's appointment
120 - the number of the house that we looked at today
3 - hours ago that I should have gone to bed
0 - amount of energy I have left today

Blogging is hard for me

2010-03-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

I really wish that I had tons of time to blog about my kids - who are amazing by the way - and funny stories, and things like that. Life is crazy for me right now. Miss M's 5th birthday was today. We both made it! I know that sounds drastic, but the last 5 years have been long and full of struggle. It's weird that at the same time it feels short and exploding with blessings. It's been a month since we got a medical diagnosis for M and while I felt validated and somewhat relieved, I am overwhelmed at everything that goes along with it. I'm being cryptic because I am a mama bear who wants to protect her cub. That seems like an appropriate example because M spends most of her days being an animal - lately it's a baby artic wolf. I am still scared to be completely open on this blog because I have major trust issues. I always have, but it got much worse in the last year for specific reasons (which I won't mention here because I am afraid to). So should I even be blogging in the first place? I'm not sure. While I ponder that thought, check out Lisa Leonard's blog where she's giving away a necklace. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Lisa's jewelry and I want one with M & J's names on it since I still don't have anything with them.

On another note, I am SO ready for Spring starting this weekend! I hope the temps start to reflect that fact. Now I am going to go watch Parenthood - one of my new favorite shows.

I will wear a tutu

2010-02-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

I finally made my personal fundraising page for the Master the Met 2010 Stairclimb. I know I have been busy selling a house, taking care of kids, working, etc., but it took me a total of 2 minutes to do. And as I promised Suzannah, I will wear a tutu during the climb alongside her if I surpass my fundraising goal. Please help me out and aid a very important cause! And I will of course post pictures of me in the tutu. :)

House for Sale

2010-02-13T21:51:00.001-08:00

It has been one week since our house went on the market. A crazy, stressful time but totally worth it. I'll spare you from all of the details of why we are moving, but 50% is for a fresh start for us and 50% is for the girls' schools and mixed into the two is less driving time for work.

I want to share with you one of my favorite bloggers and a post of hers from last week. Sarah from Clover Lane posted about a Lesson Learned. I've been taught this many times in my life already, but I had a refresher last May. I thought that friends of ours had the perfect life - but that facade came crashing down at the same time that mine did. I am thankful that God scooped me up (once again) and helped me start to heal from my wounds. And it was nice of Him to surround me with real, true friends whose hearts are full. So read Sarah's post and enjoy - she reminds me of many of my dear friends. And hold those you love tight and be thankful for all the blessings you've been given.

No Woman No Cry

2010-01-28T22:49:00.001-08:00

That was the song that we stood to at Leigh's funeral. I said goodbye to her 10 years ago and it feels like yesterday. I wish that I could go back in time and do things differently. Instead of being too involved and too busy in college, I wish I would have spent more time with friends. Instead of pushing people away when life got uncomfortable and messy, I wish I would have called Leigh and talked to her about things. I wish I would have trusted friends more back then. There was a lot of junk in my life that no one else saw. Leigh was the kind of person who would have loved me through my mess and helped me to see the hope that was ahead of me instead of the things I was afraid of. She taught me a lot while she was alive and she taught me even more after she was gone. I really miss her. I wish I could have been a better friend to her. I wish she could see my little girls. I hope she knew how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. How much I still love her.

I am thankful that I have all of my sorority sisters and my husband to celebrate her life with. People who knew her know how I feel. I am glad that we will always keep her alive in our beautiful memories of her.

Leigh-Leigh, I am laughing as I remember our "Coffee Talk" skit that we did for Serenades, and dancing in the hallway of our dorm to our "routines", or making prank phone calls to our friends . I'm smiling when I think of how we tried to cheer up Jaimie when she was so sick, when we went shopping to buy matching outfits, and everything else we did together. I'm crying when I think of the times that I missed an opportunity to strengthen our friendship because I was too scared. You were such an amazing person - I will never forget you.

Happy New Year

2010-01-13T20:26:00.001-08:00

This was our card this year. I think I am going to make it a new tradition that we do this instead of Christmas cards. The Christmas season is the busiest time at my work, and my precious time at home is spent with my family, baking, watching movies, playing, and most importantly focusing on what Christmas is all about.

I hope that your year is off to a good start!

Erin's Photo of the Year

2010-01-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

I hadn't read my friend Erin's blog in the last week because of snow days and being busy at work so imagine my surprise when I check it last night and she has chosen her Photo of the Year and I am in it! Honestly, I think it is definitely an amazing picture because of the talent of the photographer, but it is in an honor to be in it. Seriously Erin, if you ever need me for another photo shoot - I will dress up like a clown if you need me to. I wish modeling were my job because it was so fun.
Oh, to be Heidi Klum. *Sigh*

On a random note: What is the deal with people saving National Geographic magazines? Is it so you can refer to it if you are doing a report on pygmies? My parents saved theirs and I don't ever remember using them for a book report or project, or anything. Are you going to, in the middle of a conversation about something obscure, say "I'm not sure who started the ancient civilization of the Mayans. Hold on just a minute, let me reference Volume 23 of my N.G. for more information..." NO! They would just google it now. Actually, there is an online version for about $45 that looks pretty good. So free up your booksheves!

Hope you're all having a good weekend!

The Seven Spot is BACK!

2010-01-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

My BFF Sarah has resumed blogging after a LONG break. She is such a talented, funny, amazing person and I know you will love her blog (and HER)! Check it out!

And thanks to Heidi (Mrs. Fabulous), for helping me figure out the blog link. Hey, I'm still kind of new to this blog thing and I am rarely on the computer to figure it out and/or blog.

And I would post a picture of our beautiful new finished basement, but I can't find our camera battery charger anywhere.

Happy New Year!

A list

2009-12-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

Things I did when I was a stay-at-home mom again for a few days:

1. Painted the girls nails.
2. Went to a fun Disney movie.
3. Ate at "Old MacDonald's" (what the girls call it).
4. Puzzles
5. Pretending
6. Made breakfast, lunch, and cooked dinner.
7. Cleaned the kitchen
8. Laundry
9. Cuddled on the couch with M & J
10. Read books
11. Played Hungry Hungry Hippo (but the old one is better - I wish I had saved mine)
12. Threw stuff away
13. Played kitchen with M & J
14. Baked
15. Really enjoyed time with my family

I'm getting ready to go back to work this afternoon, but before I do, I wanted to give a big shout out to my friend Greta who is welcoming Charlie into the Coalier family today. Congratulations Sam, Greta, Sadie, Ruby, and Poppi!

Christmas Eve Eve

2009-12-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

Why am I still awake? I had an exhausting month at work and now that I have a 4-day break I should be resting and going to bed early because I don't have any work that I have taken home, I have all my shopping done, and I just get to play with the girls tomorrow so I don't really have anything to plan. Jeff is asleep and I have no idea how he'll have the energy to wake up and go duck hunting in about 4 hours. He must really love to duck hunt.

I am so excited for the girls this year. We bought them bikes and I can't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning. And even more than for the possibility of Santa bringing them presents, they are super excited that it's Jesus' birthday. We are going to make a cake for him (M's idea - so cute). I love her joy right now. I wish I could bottle it and save it forever.

Good night. :)

Crazy cold

2009-12-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at my computer trying to find a paint color for our basement by reading my many favorite blogs. I think I'm going with Tobacco Road by Duron. And I am freezing. We used to live in Northern Illinois and I had built up a pretty good cold weather tolerance. We first visited and looked for a place to live when they had just had an ice storm, which was a pretty normal thing around there. I used to run in negative temperatures - once when the wind chill was -20 and the mph was pretty high. We were about 10 miles from the Wisconsin border - we used to run there and back during our training runs. Now after writing that, I am missing my old running days. I hope that someday I can run hard and fast again. I knew this post was going to be random. It's been a LONNNNNG week at work and I am ready for the weekend.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

2009-11-30T22:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know what this is from, but JJ's uncle Eli has it for a ringtone and out of nowhere the other day she started singing "Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time" over and over again. It's the cutest thing. I need to get it on video.

Yes, it's after midnight and I'm still up. Probably because I just finished reading proofs for work. This is our busiest time of the year and I think I am going to really enjoy the open bar at my company office party this Saturday.

Family Pictures

2009-11-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day - get crazy!

Riley family pictures 2009 are up on my sweet friend Erin's blog:

http://www.erinduggin.com/

She is not only a dear friend to me, but an amazingly talented photographer.

We had a great time with her a couple weeks ago in downtown St. Louis. She knows the best spots for fun pictures.

For those that are close to us, you know that 2009 has been a rough one for the Riley's. So in addition to being fun and resulting in beautiful pictures, this photoshoot was therapeutic and healing. Thank you to everyone who has walked with us, laughed with us, and cried with us the past several months. I think these photos are a great example of God's faithfulness.

Here are some of my favorites - and Erin posted even more so go check them out!

I love these girls.

I gasped when I saw this one.

This one is a definite framer.

Now I have to decide which one to use for our Christmas card!

The Rest of the Story

2009-11-23T19:43:00.001-08:00

No, not an homage to Paul Harvey, but a continuance of my last post. Around 11:30 I received a call from the girls' school that JJ had a fever of 102 degrees. So I scrambled to hand off my projects at work (seriously, the WORST day this could happen), and went to pick her up. I went into the nurses office and she had just fallen asleep. And since she was so exhausted, she peed herself during those short 5 minutes of slumber. I realized this after I scooped her up and cuddled with her and the wetness seeped through my jacket. She didn't fall asleep on the way home, but that's okay because we snuggled on the couch for a little bit and then she took a nap in her crib. Yes, she is 2 1/2 and still in a crib. I'm not going to tell her that's crazy if you won't. I'm hanging onto the crib for as long as I can. She is contained and she doesn't know that she can get out. Though she can crawl in from the outside.....

Later on we go pick up M and I am still planning on Subway for dinner. So I drag my poor, sweet JJ into Subway. While they are making our sandwiches, she vomits all over me. On my shoulder, down my back, on my purse, and onto the floor. And the girl behind the counter hands me one of those pointless paper towels - the brown paper sack ones that have zero absorbancy. People look at me, but no one offers to help. They must not have children. Or they have never seen a kid puke. Or they were scared that it might be swine flu. Then other people are coming in to order but no one has come to clean up the puke on the floor. I try to use the "paper towel" to wipe it off the floor, but seeing as I am holding a two year old and covered in puke - it's a little difficult. And all this time M is picking out the 10 different kinds of chips that she wants to eat. It would have been easier to just make mac & cheese.

We got home, had baths, and then I put the girls to bed. I of course fell asleep in M's room and woke up around 10:30, still needing to read proofs for work. So I went to bed at 2. And JJ woke up at 2:15. M woke up at 4. Much coffee was needed the next day.

I was THAT mom.

2009-11-18T04:19:00.000-08:00

I was going to blog about this last night, but I fell asleep on the couch watching TV, exhausted. I was worn out from a day that started with JJ having two pee accidents - on purpose, I think. Then after cleaning all of that up, M ran to me to tell that JJ was pooping on her "beautiful, fuzzy carpet". No lie. She was still in progress when I ran in there. Her teachers at preschool swear that she is accident free there all day and ready to be potty trained. So maybe she is just using her bodily fluids/solids as weapons against me. And did I mention that Jeff is out of town until Thursday? Joyful. So after the messes were cleaned up, JJ refused to put any clothes on. I know that other moms and dads out there are just saying "well, just force them on her!". Well, we here at the Riley house are trying our best at Love and Logic and that says to let her make her choices and suffer the consequences. Take away the power struggle. So, nakedness won and I put JJ in the car buck naked and that is how we paraded into school. Note: we had been advised to do this by her teachers, so I called them to let them know that it had finally happened. I was going to be THAT mom. I wish that JJ had been mortified, but she LOVED it. JJ is a naturalist, exhibitionist, probably a lot of other "ists" too. So when offered the option of a coat before we got out of the minivan, she refused. So in the pouring, freezing rain, I carried my naked 2 year old past the stares of all the other parents at preschool. Her wonderful teachers were expecting her and JJ proudly announced that she didn't have any clothes on, just in case no one had noticed. Miss Jenny and Miss Margie were proud of me too. I asked them when I called later that day if other parents had brought their kids to school like that and they told me that yes, with nothing but socks and shoes or maybe underwear, but never completely in the buff. Awesome. Glad I could be the first.

So hopefully today goes better. I showered and dried my hair last night so that no shenanigans would happen during that time. And tonight I'm totally buying two $5 footlongs from Subway for dinner. I will survive. This is the 2nd week out of November that Jeff's traveled and I know that it's making me stronger, but I really don't like it very much.

Shortly I'll be at work where I have several ASAP projects to go out to clients, but at least I won't be cleaning up any excrement. And I'll get to eat lunch by myself. A shout-out to all the stay-at-home moms who will not get that luxury today and they will clean up a number of messes today from toddlers and babies. I was in the trenches before for 3 1/2 years and I know that it's the hardest job EVER. But also the most rewarding. JJ's kisses this morning and M's sweet smiling face helped me get out of bed. Less than an hour before departure time. Let's hope for no accidents.

Have a great Wednesday!

Funny little things from our 4 1/2 year old.

2009-09-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on the way home from church:

M: Pluto isn't a planet anymore, now it's just a star.

And later at home, breaking up a styrofoam cup and placing them all over the floor:

M: I'm making the solar system. Here is Earth. Here is Jupiter - and the little planets around it.

But at the store later that day:

M: Daddy, I was thinking about getting the paper.

Jeff: But you can't read yet.

M: (With Frustration) Awww Stink! (I wonder where she learned that phrase...)

Hot and Sweaty

2009-08-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Get your minds out of the gutter - I'm talking about my first experience with Bikram Yoga. I am really glad that I went. It was a nice reminder of how out of shape I am. I'm hoping that it will be just the boost I need to get back into a regular exercise routine. That and the fact that I had my yearly check-up with my doctor today and the number on the scale is A LOT different than it was 10 months ago at my last check-up. Hope everyone had a great Monday!

Deep Thoughts from a 4 year-old

2009-08-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

My conversation with Miss M on the way home yesterday:

Miss M: When I grow up and I'm a mommy like you, will we still live together?

Me: I think you'll probably have your own house where you live with your babies.

Miss M: But will we live close to each other?

Me: I hope so.

And when I was in the bathroom later and she "invited" herself in because our bathroom door does not lock:

Miss M: (Noticing that my "mommy parts" are more mature than her parts)
I don't want that to ever happen to me.

Me: Well, you have a lot more years until you start to change.

Miss M: No, I don't want it to ever happen.

I don't blame you kid - it's scary to me sometimes too. Especially after two kids.

We are fish killers.

2009-08-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

We discovered that the awful smell in our kitchen was not our garbage disposal, but our dead fish, Twilight. We had this one the longest - a whole year. So I was kind of attached. I'm still not sure if we should give her another "she's on vacation" story and get a new one (like we did the first 3 times - I mean c'mon, a week after her birthday and then a few weeks after that the 2nd time!? We didn't want to scar her for life). She was so lively and excited to see us. Anytime there was movement near her tank her little tail would swish side to side - she was hopeful for any flake of food that might land on her water. Her love of fish flakes might be what led to her demise. There was some confusion to the feeding schedule last week (don't worry Mom, I'm not mad at you) and the big T just couldn't say no. Will there be a T5? We haven't figured that one out yet. RIP, T4.

Hot Rolls

2009-07-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to visit friends in Branson. I needed some time away and I wanted to be in the place that brings me so many happy memories. To your surprise, none of them involve Shoji Tabuchi. And we have good friends that moved there in March and I haven't seen them since then!

I was able to hang out with Bill & Maria and their sweet little one, Nathan. And spending time with some of the girls in their summer program, Discipleship Focus, was really good for my heart. Discipleship Focus helps staff Silver Dollar City for the summer with Young Life leaders from cities all over the United States.

And my visit back to Kanakuk for the first time in 10 YEARS was truly blessed. I believe that God carved out time for me with people that he knew I needed to see and talk with. It was hard to leave, but I know I will be back soon.

Would you believe that I didn't even take any pictures? I had my camera the whole time but I was too immersed in just hanging out and enjoying my time there that I didn't think of that until I was back on Highway 65 heading north. So in lieu of photos from this weekend, I'm including a couple pictures from my years at K-Kountry that really make me smile.

Me & Daley Niederhofer

Barn 8 Ski Trip day on Taneycomo Lake

On the way out of town I stopped into Lambert's to get a half dozen rolls. They're awesome - even when they aren't thrown at you.

Belated 4th of July Post

2009-07-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

I had a few pictures from the 4th that I wanted to share. We had a great day and squeezed in a parade and fireworks between the rainstorms all day. Gotta stick with traditions! So first we had the parade in Webster with the Ewings and then a picnic and fireworks at night with the Nevils. I'm already looking forward to next year.

Miss M painted an American flag at school and I turned it into a cute door hanging.

Two cute girls watching the parade.

Another cute girl modeling my 2-year old's headband.

More parade watching.

A 4th of July cutie.

The Clydesdales served as the Grand Marhsals.

Ending the day with a bang.

Boundaries

2009-07-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

The other day Miss M was working on a project. She asked her daddy how to spell "babies". Without any help from us, she finished this sign and taped it on her door.

If you can't tell, that is a baby with a "No" symbol around it. Instead of making me sad that she doesn't want JJ in her room, this makes me proud of her being assertive and creative at the same time. And I know that JJ won't let a sign stop her so I'm not too worried. And the fact that they look for each other in the morning when they wake up and get all excited to see their sister.

Early Birthday Present

2009-07-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

My Uncle Richard is so thoughtful. He brought me this beautiful table all the way from Colorado. I admired my Great-Grandma Irma's almost-identical table when we were in Denver last September and he remembered and found one at an estate sale. It is my new favorite piece of furniture. It is from the 1930's and made by a furniture company in Michigan. It has a leather top (the flash makes it look kind of funny, but it is absolutely gorgeous). Now I just need to find the perfect lamp and lots of frames to put family pictures in. Thank you, Richard, for thinking of me. Feel free to think of me any time you are at an estate sale with awesome finds. :)

The first of many trips to Fritz's

2009-05-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today we ended our lovely 3-day weekend with a trip to Fritz's with the Ewings. So much fun. And lots of messy ice cream all over our cute little kids. We'll be making at least bi-monthly trips with the Ewings the rest of the 2009 Custard Season. Here are some pics to enjoy - Ellen, I'll send you more tomorrow!

The Story of Amy

2009-05-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I'm not going to tell my life story in a blog post.

The other day I found a book that was given to me by my good friend, Eva. I was a counselor at Kanakuk and Eva was a kamp nurse. The book is The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde. I don't really associate him with children's books, especially ones with a Christian theme, but this is one of my favorites. So when I opened it up after many, many years, what should fall out but a sweet story that my BFF Sarah wrote for me during a particularly rough period of my life while I was in college. I was again a counselor at kamp and Sarah sent me a big care package for my barn (that's what they're called at K-Kountry) filled with hair bows, bubbles, play-doh, crayons, and other fun stuff. Basically a little cheer-me-up package for me to share with my girls. It made me so happy to get it (mail is golden at kamp) and it was a nice reminder of how great it was when I read it again the other day. I'm going to post it so you can read it too. Sarah, can you believe I still have it?! Thanks again for being there for me and helping me deal with some tough stuff. You are so dear to me.

Chocolate Chip Expert

2009-05-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

At Trader Joe's with Daddy today:

J: Are you going to help me shop?

M: Yes. I'll get the chocolate chips because I'm an expert when it comes to chocolate chips.

True, very true.

I don't have any recent chocolate chip cookie making pictures except for this one from when I was 8 months pregnant and trying to get in as much M & Mommy time as possible. Please ignore my messy kitchen - I was REALLY pregnant but not yet in the last-minute nesting phase where I cleaned a lot.

Goodnight!

*But before I go, I need to give a big shout out and thank you to the crazy woman driving the red Corolla today on Adams in Kirkwood. I know you probably thought that you were being the safe one by driving 10 miles below the speed limit because it's a road with lots of curves. But you're dangerous because the line of 15 cars behind me will get rear-ended when someone expecting a 30 mph speed limit comes around the corner and finds all of us going 15 mph behind a CRAZY PERSON! And thanks for going even slower when you realized my frustration with your slowness. Purposely coming down to 10 mph while approaching the green light so that it turned yellow and I had to sit behind you and glare and shake my head in disapproval. I know you probably were thinking "people are in too much of a hurry these days - what's her deal?". Well, my deal was that my 2 year old fell and scraped her knee in the parking lot of the 4 year old's school and I wanted to get to her school to clean her up. But I wasn't even speeding. I just wanted to go 30 mph! And yes, I was also already late for work. Though even if I hadn't been, I would still have been driven completely batty by your inconsiderate behavior. Thanks for playing that game with me during what might be my most stressful time of day. You really made your point. That you're NUTS!

Thanks, dear readers. Now I can rest peacefully tonight. :)

May 21st

2009-05-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

I'm already looking forward to this date - the new season of So You Think You Can Dance. I CANNOT dance, but I love this show. Anyone who watches Dancing with the Stars should know that Lacey and Chelsea were once on SYTYCD. I don't watch DWTS - it just doesn't interest me in the slightest. But SYTYCD is awesome. So I am counting down the days. :)

So, I told you that I wouldn't be posting every day and I haven't let you down. I need to keep notes though, because over the past few days I've thought about stuff I could blog about and I've already forgotten. But something totally cute I can blog about is the Cherry Dress. Miss M wore it two years ago and JJ found it in the closet the other day. I love that she wanted to wear her rain boots with it.

Miss M....

And JJ.....

With Miss M in the background...

And of course we took the picture before we had flowers in the flower pot and the new planters that J made where the pointy trees used to be. So I had to include a picture so you can see that Spring has arrived at our house.

J did such a great job on these! They replaced the swirly trees that were a pain to keep up.

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start!

LOL

2009-05-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't laughed uncontrollably in a long time. Thankfully J provided an opportunity last night when he played a Tivo'd Divorce Court for me. While he was flipping from one news show to the next, something about this episode caught his eye and I'm so glad it did. I have never watched Divorce Court before and I probably won't ever again. But the case of Mr. and Mrs. McClain will stay on our DVR for a bit just in case I need a good laugh. I won't try to describe the whole thing, because it will ruin it if you ever see a rerun (or come over to our house in the near future). My stomach hurt from laughing. And just to see J laughing that hard too was good for my soul. An evening well spent.

Anniversary (sung by Tone, Tone, Tone)

2009-04-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

It's our anniversary and we celebrated by going out to dinner on the Hill. Since we went to Italy for our honeymoon, every year we go out for Italian on the big day. This year it was Cunetto's on the Hill. So yummy. We had great food, great conversation, and great wine. There was a couple at the table next to us celebrating their 6th anniversary - with their baby also in attendance. This reminded us of our first anniversary after Miss M was born. She was about 5 weeks old and with no family in town, we didn't want to leave her with a sitter that soon so we took her with us. Lots of screaming ensued and as soon as our food arrived, we got it to go. I was miserable. J was frustrated. But we look back now and smile about it. I need to keep reminding myself of that on the days where I feel like I'll never look at the moment positively - ever. J pointed out that we have now been married with children just as long as we were married without children. 8 years total, Miss M is now 4, just in case you were too tired to do the math. Wow. I can't imagine going back to pre-kids. I love our little family. And I love my husband even more now that he's a Dad. And a great one at that. I am blessed. I would be more mushy and gush about my immense love for my man, but I'm still a little unsure of myself here in the world of blog and I don't know yet who might be reading this stuff. I hope I loosen up. I was hoping that by blogging I would hone my writing skills that have been pretty lax since I graduated with that BA in English. And J doesn't want me to expose all of our personal info on here so I'm trying to be careful. So I'll just tell all of my friends those secrets in person. Just kidding, J!

Two

2009-04-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

I told my friend Katie that I would start my blog this past weekend. It's Monday, but I guess it's what you can come to expect if you're going to follow along. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post every day - well, I know I won't be able to because I can't even keep up with Facebook. But I have to start somewhere so here it goes....

JJ turned 2 on Friday. I can't believe that it's already been that long. I thought I would never get through the first few months and it's been two years! She is such a joy to us. What a sense of humor. What a great laugh. What a personality. JJ - we went through some hard stuff in the beginning, but we are so bonded because of it. You are my little punkin' munkin'. Happy Birthday, big girl!

And I can't quite figure out how to add pictures and make my blog all cute, so it would be nice if all of my blog-savvy friends would give me a shout to help me out. Thanks again, Katie, for the push to join the insanity. I added a picture of you all from Saturday, but can't figure out how to post pictures on different places on the blog other than the top. This blog is definitely going to expose my computer inadequacies.